"Last Week of Term Edition" of the Monday Issue

Well another week goes by and the prospect of seeing old friends draws closer, the Christmas decorations are aloft and the thought of Christmas Dinner becomes nearly unbearable (in a tasty way). But, however, Christmas is not here yet and the Scandal is so let us get on with it...

Mr. Clarke's demands have been met and he gets a paragraph to himself, which I find personally scandalous. The most shocking scandal is his blatant defiance of his red-head counterparts. The plot to change the colour of his hair caused shouts of outrage among the Red (head) Party members, at their council. The negotiations are still on going and let's hope, for Mr. Clarke's sake, that they don't take military action.

With the prospect of Mr. Shepley buy drinks a week on Wednesday, I have decided to cease with the comments on the accent he may/ may not have picked up while being exposed to Southeners. And to re-literate his words, I am sure that all those away from home have picked up a little of the local accent while exposed to local folk. However, the office must point out that looking like one of the Beetles is worthy of a picture, also we expect the relatives Christmas present options are some what broadened.

Have a good holiday

Harsh Reality

Back Again With Another Round Of Scandal

It is with great sadness that I must report the death of Tom Sunter, elder brother on Jack Sunter and free-lance Outdoor Pursuits Instructor. He drowned, over the weekend, while Kayaking in rapids and unfortunately got stuck upside down in rocks.

That's it! I know why no-one is commenting on this much anymore. I need a broader spectrum of scandal, I tell you what I'll write some lie... errm I mean Scandal on everyone. That means you get a couple of sentences on each of you (well not everyone 'cos then it gets too long). Well, read on...

Mr. Shepley has become increasingly illusive, theories are that he began concentrating so hard on engineering that he himself has become a RSJ (big iron girder). Or that he has joined the southern front and is convinced Scotland is the only place north of the Southern Boarders.

Agony aunt gone wrong may not actually exist. Yes it may be true! Popular belief believes that "she" is actualy a computer. As it seems that comments don't stop day or night. The Office is sure that, with a little background research, a human cannot stay awake long enough to keep the comments flowing with such fluidicity.

Miss Paddon (a.k.a. moonbeam) , on a personal note, blabbers incessantly about totally the wrong motion in Lit. & Deb. Avoiding the whole discussion is not the point of such a meeting. Trying to rubbish the comments people are making doesn't work all of the time. Especially when they are talking about how religion and the Iraq war are linked, when it should have been focusing on the problems religion causes in general.

Scotty this week was arrested by the FBI while on one of his daily excursions to the USA. It is unknown as to whether or not he has been released, as the investigation bureau refuses to admitt that he was under their custody. Keep a look out folks!

The Scandal Press Editor in Chief is believed to have frozen to his radiator as they are only fueled by running the pipe on the outside of the building. His laptop has frozen up, as the fan cooling system erupted with warm air that condensed and froze once within contact with the Siberian style air.

For those I have missed: you'll get a paragraph if you comment more or prove to me that there's a chance of rustling up some Scandal on yourself.

Yours

Harsh Reality

The Monday Issue... is here!

I return once again to entertain the far and wide readers of the Scandal Press. As with the highly increased interest with this site I can feel a new lease of life in regard to Scandal, so without further ado.

Just incase the news hasn't reached you yet james diyed his hair. The fallowing is an exclusive intervew the agony aunt gone wrong had with him last friday (25.11.05)

Dare me sagt:what's the exact colour look like?

Anyone back in Bolton This Weekend? sagt:sort of a redy/purple

Dare me sagt:did you die it yourself?

Anyone back in Bolton This Weekend? sagt:Kim (one of my flatmates) did it for me[...]

Dare me sagt:o right when did you die it?

Anyone back in Bolton This Weekend? sagt:tuesday

The Scandal Press office await the photos of conformation on this subject and frankly I just can't wait, so that I can find out how many hahaha's I can fit in the comments box. (Although I can't imagine I'd be able to type anything through the paralysing laughter).

Also using an undisclosed reporter, words reach the office that one Mr. Paul is picking up the southern accent faster than any sane person should be allowed. Intellect has made him absorb not only excessive knowledge, but also the local "North of Watford" accent.

The annual year 12 trip to Patterdale Hall for business dynamics began last Wednesday, with the first lot of lads going north for a relative waste of time (I'm going today). For the most laughable offence two of our year got sent home the morning after the first night. The bets were running with various offences including; drunken, drunk in the morning, taking alcohol, fighting, stealing or smoking. One of the listed is correct, but it's just pitiful. A source tells me they we caught stealing sweets off one of the business dynamics leaders. It sounded like he gave them out , but in this case they just tok 'em. Thiefing little idiots.

Anyhoo that's that until next week (, well maybe).

In the words of Bruce Lee (from Enter the Dragon):

"It's like a finger pointing at the moon... don't! concentrate on the finger or you will miss all that heavenly glory before you."

SCANDAL IS MINE

HMPH is all i have to say right now. What has happened to the scandal press in my absense, its not right, sort it out people or i will take further actions to secure this webpage in history!!!

It Finally Happened!!

Well it had to happen, didn’t it?

Six months of speculation.

Four months of a sweepstake.

And finally, our best efforts have finally come to fruition!

Kyle and Soph are now, at long last, as one.

This breaking news is brought to you by the one person who probably aggravated them the most in their “courtship” and was very pleased when they decided to stop sharing their tongues to tell him the glorious news. As I bounce about at my desk, leaving my friends in confusion as I ran down the stairs shouting “It’s finally happened!” back at them to explain my sudden disappearance.

A six month crescendo to the inevitable lead to a sweep stake in their third month as we got tired of them saying there was nothing going on. Something had to break, and we nearly all put money on that fact. Expecting it to run and run, and Pete Thornley to collect the entire 70 pence jackpot after 12 months, no one gave second thought to the glorious sweepstake. But now, only four months in, we have a winner. Or, well, a pair of winners.

Rose and Niksa lay their claim to the entire 70p winnings fund to be shared equally between them. We make it about a Mars bar each, you’ll be glad to know. Monies will be collected and dished out again over the glorious Christmas period, but I’m off to buy some random people drinks for random people who they don’t know!

Bask in the news and don’t forget to offer them your congratulations.

See you at Christmas!

Paul

The Monday Issue for Those Who Wish to Read

Welcome back to another Monday Issue..

Last Friday lead to another year of remembering those who suffered and fought during the second world war. Meaning less and boring as it can sometimes be, the school halted for a couple of minutes. Unfortunately this week I have had to take the Philosopher Hobbes' dim view of human life to heart, therefore I sometimes fail to see the importance of remembering something which I personally cannot connect with. Yeah, yeah... I know all this blurrb about the fact that Britain would be a Facist Nation if men hadn't fought, but to be honest I DON'T CARE much.

I need to know what other people think of this please tell me your view, thanks.

On a lighter note, the picture above, if you can't quite read it, is of a piece of English homework done by one Mr. Clark for Miss Adriana(a.k.a. agony aunt gone wrong). Mr. Clark failed the homework quite miserably. The red markings are to indicate everything that is wrong according to th English Lehrer/Lehrerin in germany. One thing that is for sure is that the minds of German students are being corrupted by substandard English teachers. Despite how dificult it was to read what exactly Mr.C is sometimes on about he is ultimately always correct with the English language.

!SCANDALOUS!

The lost city?

Tyldesley - The LOST CITY
For some time now, residents of this God-forsaken area located in a unknown area of Greater Manchester, away from any form of civilisation, have talked about opening this once nuclear testing honey pot to the public for commercial and business use. To put it simply, they want to open the iron gates which enclose the mystical city to the unexpecting outside world. So, as Scandal President and long term employee of the greatest and must comprehensive press publication ever in all of mankind, it is with great irony that I type to you about a place devoid of all mankind! However, this city was suspected of being founded, according to local historian Mr Clarke, in the Middle Ages and is likely to have be inhabited for some time.

In fact, the local Geography nut was amazed to find any traces of human life in this once volcanic environment and more recently a nuclear wasteland, as he so elegantly described it. Mathematician, Mr Paddon looks back on the era he survived in this abandonned city and remarks that a local video rental store. similar to those found in our own society, was one of the few things that helped him cling onto to sanity, or so he says!

So, the project to build some sort of connection between this place and our own surroundings have been difficult indeed, but world-famous engineer Mr Shepley claimed that he would be able to build some sort of brigde over the land to connect to the two areas, regardless of the several murky swaps and crocodile pits which lurk below.

So where does Tyldesley go from here? Have any of you been lucky enough to experience this environment and come out unscathed? This crazy writer believes it's all mythology, but I don't know. 

Welcome to the Halloween Monday Issue (muwhahahaha!!!)

Welcome back readers. If you do not mind, due to the occasion, I have chosen to write completely in red and be especially sarcastic and evil (like wishing that you were all DEAD!)

The reason for my week gap was due to the annual autumn term break and the equally annual trip to Scotland with the Thornley family, although this time it was to visit one of the clan. While up their we spent time at my aunt's house (mam's sister), which was an extra plus as she was 2 weeks over due with my fifth cousin. She was eventually born on the Sunday after we had left.

Any way on with the Halloween special... (no offence intented)

No doubt that Messer Clark will continue his rampage in providing his readers with poisonous concoctions from his university trials. I must say that the stir-fry was practically the "draft of death", so ofcourse I would recoment to everyone.

Word reaches my long pointed ears that a cult has been set up lead by one "agony aunt gone wrong". She leads this internet based sadistic witch burning procession, watch out if you value surfing on.

I do not know if it just me, but does it cross your blood-shot eyes that with a "Hotmail" sign in name such as "Moonbeam" that they may have some thing about moonbeams. It is with unjustified claims that I insist that Miss Paddon reveal he true colours as a Werewolf Woman. Also, for certain reasons, I encourage Mr Clark to get as close to Miss paddon as he likes preferably around full moon time (Wednesday November 16th at 12:56 to be precise)

On a last thought, do you know anyone who wears a neckbrace? Does it look like they need it? If so i'd advise eating lots of garlic, but because of the occasion don't bother. Apply vasline to the neck just to make it easier and eat plenty of red meat, you'll taste much better and i can tell this through experience.

Go rot in hell

yours sincerly and mournfully

Harsh Reality

THE HAPPY MONDAY ISSUE FORM THE SCANDAL PRESS OFFICE

The week goes by and it seems to be realatively boring and inanimated, yet it always seems that the three days before the Mornday Issue is posted the week pulls through and provides quality at the last moment. Firstly i would like to thank those who helped to contribute to this weeks issue by sending forth valuable scandal that I may use. It is a great pleasure to receive such mail once in a while and even then get to use it. So I believe it to be the best idea to begin with our freelance reporters.

I will leave the reders to make what they will of this piece, but thanks again:

today, monday, a certain, infamous chris paddon was fairly drunk after drinking "
12/10/2005
00:24:55
ich liebee dich so Nadia!!! mein schatzi!!! (l) (k) DAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanke!!!
(8) Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I'm right, Swear I knew it all along, And I am flawed (8)
how much did you drink?
12/10/2005
00:25:25
(8) Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right, I swear I'm right, Swear I knew it all along, And I am flawed (8)
ich liebee dich so Nadia!!! mein schatzi!!! (l) (k) DAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanke!!!
4, but i drank 3 of them quickly and i downed one of them"

he was said to have been with a girl when he got this drunk but pleas don't mention my name as the informant ;P

It is with great pleasure that our far and wide freelance reporters come up with quality such like this.

Last Friday laid claim to the long and varied history of Bolton School with the beginning of the School house championship. For those who are unaccustomed to this event it is a whole day devoted to winning events to gain points for your House. The pupils are split into four Houses, (blackburn, chorley, wigan and Manchester) and go about acts of physical strength or intellectual challanges. The more events your house wins the more points they gain and therefore they aim to win, each House Day happens once a term giving Houses time to claw back spectacular victories. For those who don't use my MSN address will not know of my courageous personal win of the climbing competition. Beating, under competition rules, both Andrew Emery and Tom Gibson, both considered the best climbers in the school, at the fewest number of holds to go around the wall (fifteen I believe) which all three of us drew on. Only for me to win with the knock out swift timed traverse of the wall. The rest of House Day was much of a blur, but one thing got through was that the taller (in a sense of the word) new Chinese lad is especially good at basket ball, but was slightly annoyed by the roughness at which Bolton lads play. House Day, however, was not all fun and games. Thanks to that one day of fun and due to the premature ending of school for half-term (on a thursday), one Mr. Y(name removed for leagal reasons, but the initial is however accurate ) of the Chemistry Department has taken it upon himself to give the whole class two extra lessons over lunchtime, because of us missing two of his doudle sessions. Unfortunately this will be on a Thursday which is not only a full day for me, but also the lunchtime lesson clashes horribly with climbing club, so which one comes first is for anyone to decide.

A further reason for the House Day taking place on a Friday was so that it would give the organisers of Open Day, on the Saturday after, a free reign of the school to set it up. This however left the Learning Centre abandoned by one Mr. H allowing me and six others to play seven man Bomberman over the school network, v.cool. As far as heard over the stewards Walkie Talkies everything went fine, even though the previous year when the Boy's Division had a Open Day there was only a couple of parking spaces left in the school car parks and this year they had the Girl's Division doing this at the same time. One thing I did pick up over the radio was that the school had trouble from one disgrunteled neighbour who was complaining about a parent blocking him in.

With many thanks

I must leave you unfortunately for a week as I am jetting off to Scotland for half-term

so until next time

goodbye

Revenge of the Monday Issue

It is with great privilege that I return to you, the devoted readers, to provide the lastest Monday Issue. The difficulty in keeping this, "old legend" of a, site is that having wide spaced members makes it difficult to write something of interest to everyone. But no doubt I'll plough on and pray or the best. Please note that i wouldn't say no to any scandal in your neck-of-the-woods despite how unrelated to anyone else it is, thankyou. Anyhoo "to the scandal!" I hear they cry...

The Pink Friday Went with a blast, many people contributed and they made lots of money for charity, I must say however that the majoritory of the money was made through the sale of pink wristbands, opposed to the wearing of pink shirts by the sixth form. The organisers took it upon themselve to take the school rules into their own hands and wear pink ties aswell as their pink shirts.

I was most unortunate to experience the closure of the *Nobel Room on Thursday and Friday of last week (*the "Common Room" has subsequently been renamed by one Mr. Hardy with the excuse that, " I'm no commoner!") The reason for this closure is that during a fire drill on the Thursday morning before morning break, according to the catering staff, up to forty sandwiches and flapjacks were "stolen" from the Dining Hall. This was no doubt the fault of the people who go into lunch early to pick up sandwiches etc., because they do sport over the lunch break. Being lazy they could not be bothered to que again for their lunch and merely walked straight through picked up some food and walked out. the worst thing about this charade, apart from the over reaction from the catering staff, was that the Nobel Room was shut for two days despite the year11s being responsible too. Also on a side note I personally was rather peed off because I have the whole of the morning off on the Friday, the labary I must say was a delight to spend three hours in.

So far this week I have nearly expeienced a test in every subject twice over for the upcomming half-termly report cards despite them being useless at the moment as we have barely learned four pages of notes from each teacher. The lower sixth has also been promised that we will be provided with a predicted grade by using complicated equations and taking in different and sometimes random data to formulate and answer.

And with a final note...

!!Happy Holocene!!

Welcome To Another Random And Riveting Monday Issue.

It is with great pleasure that I post my first proper Post (not counting the one about Mr. C's actual appearance). With the devoted fans of Scandal begging to see more; how could I refuse. So without further ado I shall proceed.

This week it gets personal, now I'm not one to cast hatred about like confetti, but Grey Squirrels are pushing their luck when it comes to feeding time. The reluctantness of the modern people to hate creatures that are furry and have big cheeks has lead the world to ignore the evil Squirrels. This has led the creatures to believe that they can get away from anything, because we ignore them. The Scandalously cheeky Squirrels that I speak of will bite through a wooden mesh to get at the prize of nuts within. Also they seem not to understand what pain is or how to respond to it, yet I am sure they will get the picture after getting hit by small pellets.

How people of the world, come and join me to rid the garden of these trouble some creatures. Note: there is no restriction on how and when you can remove them from your garden (by any means neccessary).

In other news, the Bolton scene has been plagued with a possible "Pink" friday, organised by one P.Jolley. They consider persuading the sixth form into wearing pink shirts on the up coming friday, then charging them for wearing the colourful shirts! This maybe in aid of cancer, but to be honest, belittling the members o the sixth form to a level at which they they most certainly don't deserve is no way to raise money.

Scandalous reports next, as lately discovered scandal from Iceland. Timmy once again comes up with priceless informaton to fill our columns.

The words from his shattering lips was as follows, "they h-h-h-have n-n-no t-t-toilet r-r-roll over here!"

Wow, there we have it scandalous reports from somewhere cold.

Anyhoo, time flies, so I'll have to end with saying:

Who ever you are, what ever you are doing relax, remember someone cares about you even if you can't see them.

GoodNight

THE END!

The Monday Issue

Dear All,

Without much of a basis to go on, we are somewhat proud to announce that James Clarke is and was a Head Choir Boy, we are unsure as to which religion it was but try this link, thoroughly fitting I believe.

I can currently only emphasize how great our trip to Manchester today was, and due to a great medium of communication the only person missed was Kyle, who is at this moment smuggling an entire shipment of fuel out of Shell and we're going to hide it in Pauls summer house or Clarkeys downstairs aqua cupboard.

Now a few words of scandal from our foreign correspondant Timmy (fresh out of a bulgarian prison) in America: Upon driving to Why in Arizona i came across a Reflexology Clinic where they stated with much enthusiasm that "We unblock your constipation with our fingers", a harrowing comment i'm sure, which will lead to much entertainment to us learnéd Englishmen.

Finally, some inspiring words from an unknown graffiti artist, "All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door" (and according to Italian law being a lady of negotiable affection called Mary)

Yours,

Until next week,

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief

And Timmy.

Lost!

One Great Friend

Answers to the names 'Scott' or 'Scotty'

There have been many sightings, but he has proved illusive to catch so far.

Please help us.

"We are lost, lost in a world without out good friend Mr Scott Jones." Mr P. J. Clarke

Habits include late night walks round Ladybridge with his friends and drinking coffee with his friends whilst having a chat.

It is out of his character to be gone for so long without hearing from him, and we fear for his safety.

A reward will be given to the person or persons who help with our dear friend's return.

Please help us.

Chris, James, Paul and Rick

The Late Monday Issue

Dear One, All, and Everyone,

The Monday Issue is a tad late this week due to unforseen laziness, but anyway i have to pick up on a few things this week.

Firstly, congrats to Charlie for passing his test the first time after 10 Driving lessons plus time with his dad, this certainly puts the lime light off certain people who didn't pass first time! (but having a Mazda to drive is quite amazing)

Secondly, good look everybody wherever you're going, to university or elsewhere in the world(particularily near Shanghai), personally all i have to say to the rest of you unlucky school goers is "ha!", youre about to have the most stressful times of your life.

Anyway, "enough already", They cry. We all loved, im sure, Pauls "Last Roll of the Dice". And I definately heard the funniest things i have ever heard in my life, firstly courtesy of Paul and secondly courtesy of Kat and Rachel (if you wish to know exactly what it was that made me laugh please ask me in the comments box and i'll e-mail them to you personally)

Erm...What else to say?

Ah, yes. I'm having trouble deciding what to put on the Scandal Press after we all go our separate ways. Personally, I would like to continue but it would just become a summary of my weeks. I'll post on the subject on Monday i'm sure.

Yours,

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief

Also Starring

The Scandal Press President (Post available, competitive rates*)

*100% wage increase every year on what you earned in the last year!

The First Monday Issue In Over A Month!

Dear Everyone (i'll be somewhat formal this time!)

I am sure you are all aware that school continues in another weeks time, and on such a day i laugh that i, among many, can still get up at 10am or later and watch TV all day if desired.

With this music thing currently on the go i can only say could we please have the Furby Prank Call by Weird Al Yankovich and The Only Gay Eskimo Song by Tenacious D

Scandal, people, Scandal. I really have no ideas here this week... or maybe.

Right i'm gonna be damn right rude now and put a PA here.

If there is the tiniest chance you believe this please take me up on it...i am about to become a serial house burner downer. I shall take a few drops of vodka light them and instantly your house will become a bonfire, on the other hand you could just trust that it won't actually happen because im not actually that sort of person.

On the other side of things, i currently hate my hair and am running a campaign to get paid to have it all cut off. If you want to support the cause please have your wallets/bank accounts ready for a withdrawal and add a comment. If i get more people supporting this idea with a reasonable amount of money (£250+ should do it among everyone who supports the movement) i shall be quite happy to do so.

(THIS IS NOT A JOKE AND I SHALL TAKE ALL ACTION GETTING THE MONEY PROMISED...YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

yours in hope,

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief

(Sole Employee: Scandal Press President* Scott Jones)

*this is just a trophy title it means nothing but will please him anyway

The New And Returned Scandal Press

Dear Y'all,

It has been a long time since I posted any such update on the Scandal Press, so here goes.

Thursday was the true beginning of the week with our results being published, congrats to everyone who got what they wanted. Clarkey seems to be following into what is becoming a Clarke Family Tradition, by going to Leeds to follow his elder sister and an unknown cousin, we are truely sorry for Miss L. Clarke as she will have to put up with james for the rest of her uni stay, a prospect which will surely scare the most courageous of us all.

As everyone should remember we went out on thursday night to the rice bowl, the oyster bar, norwegian blue and revolution. If you dont i suggest you start looking for a lawyer as your bound to be prosecuted for a public order offence.

More extra news, Christopher paddon had announced that he would be WITH two girls in Belgium, we are completely unsure as to what this will result in but possibly chris will never be allowed to visit belgium again! (i'm so gonna get my wrist chipped now)

Here's our latest report from Timmy: (unfortunately Timmy is currently locked up in a bulgarian prison so we won't be hearing from him in a while!)

EXTRA... In a blind drunk stupor i seem to remember clarkey referring to his (erm...) man(?)hood as Scotty on the results day night out, anyone who remembers this please assure my beliefs and i will be happy that i'm not a raving loony having nightmares about james!


Yours,

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief

The Much Anticipated Update

Almost a full month has gone and passed by without any sort of mutter of a scandal or any trace of scandalous reporting...but things are set to change as we welcome ourselves, the Scandal Press team, back into the fold with some hard-hitting and revealing press editions, set to hit your screens shortly.

So sit back, relax and let the good times roll baby!

Sole Employee *All Rights Removed

Quick Update

With members of the Scandal Press team being on holiday and such, the Monday Issue has been delayed from the 25th July and will recommence hopefully this Monday coming up. This is simply a temporary notice but if you have any news to report which you deem scandalous, then simply e-mail them to the scandalpressoffice@hotmail.co.uk, and the Chief will give it a mention if it's considered good enough...get typing and for now, good-bye!

The MOnday Isuue From Switzerland

Dear one and all,

With everybody spread across the continent its difficult to write scandals but i will try!

hehehe...

What could possibly be appearing in this email of horrors i wonder?

Rabbits trees and james apeared in this weeks news, we're unsure as to what is going on but procreation was the name of the game!

I fully believe scotty in what he has said in the saturday email and apologise completely for any discomfort caused towards him that lead him to say this! I'll buy you a prezzie, lad.

i dont know, its terrible being away but im loving it all the same!

yours,
Scandal Press editor in chief

I just wanna say

Thank you to all who made it to my Party last night, it was one hell of a party(if i do say so myself) and it was great that so many of you could make it. The mass sharing of Syphillis(even if Kyle did ruin the second batch) has to be one of the highlights of the evening, and I'm sure the Scandal Press Team will have plenty of scandal to post for us soon!

Once again, thank you, you're the best!!!

Ahead of his time
The true Summer Prizegiving
The world famous founder of the Scandal Press scooped up last night on several awards at a prestigious ceremony, designed to pick the best of the best blogger reporters. All of the blogger stars came out to congratulate the man himself and the standing ovation at the end for the hard-working and devoted family man was thoroughly deserved.

Amongst a field of very strong candidates, the Scandal Press took the prize of the Best Newcomer and the Reporters' Blogger Site of the Year at this annual ficticious event. The Friday E-mail, which publishes today, was inducted into the Hall of Fame after it's stunning make-over and, equally, a Miss A. Ferrari was awarded the Female Writer of the Year, but was unable to collect her prize.

It was clear, however, that the SP had stolen the show. Overwhelmed with joy, the Chief Editor could only utter his thanks to his loyal readers, before he paraded around soaking everyone with sweet tasting champagne.

Quick on the scene, many so-called big named national newspapers tried to snap up the hot property but in complete defiance, he refused. Many have labeled him ahead of his time and this writer believes this is just the start of things to come for the founder of the Scandal Press.

Sole Employee *All rights removed

Needs Must and the Devil Drives

Could this be the Future of Mr. Clark, who knows? But atleast now he will get an idea before he continues with his drastic transformation.

The Explosive Monday Issue

WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO THE EXPLOSIVE MONDAY ISSUE

Our first scandal is an exclusive undercover report by our own Scotty, "A known Mr C was frantically found running around his house like a headless chicken to get ready for an apparent night out last sunday. It soon dawned upon me that the 'man' in question was for some completely unknown reason waxing his legs! Once restrained it was said they were 'as smooth as silk'. Attempts at shaving off his eyebrows were also rumoured but unsuccessful due to a modelling contract breech"

Secondly, an apparent relationship has been unveiled between a Mr. Emery and an unknown chav named Devvo (so called cause he smelled of shit) in Doncaster. We are unsure as to what is going on so we will endeavour to find out more using our probes.

Thirdly, with the biggest party weekend approaching we see a huge increase in the number of scandalous incidents. If a lack of scandal is experienced it shall be viewed as a completely boring time!

Finally, aren't shoes nice nowadays. But they don't really have any good good shoes anymore, why are thy made of tiny scraps of plastic with extorsionate prices?? (random babbling courtesy of Sexy Pete)

Bye for now,
The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief

exhibit A - the coathanger
The Delayed Monday Issue
Following the mysterious story about the hotel incident reported exclusively right here last week, there is still a scandal looming in the air with regards to the escape of one of our known suspects from a locked cupboard with the use of what we think was a coat hanger, as in the photo.

One bemused witness, also linked to the escape, denied shortly after the story broke any involvement in the incident. The thin and black haired stranger, code named KSC, said in a suspicious Spanish accent, "me, I know nothing...I come from Barcelona!"

Wild allegations have also come flooding in accusing the well-respected Chief Editor here at the Scandal Press office of simply having made the whole story up in order to cause a stir. This writer is very much outraged by such unfounded claims and wishes to reveal to you all the recent release of one of the top suspects from a hold located somewhere in Bonn. Our foreign correspondent is nowhere to be found but it appears that she was found on the crime scene shortly after the escape was recorded. She uttered the words, "It's all a blur. Is that a camera? Are you still filming? Where you get that from?"

Another bystander wanted to borrow 20p, but we soon fled the area in sheer fear. The jury remains out on this particular scandal but news has just filtered through that at around 9pm local time on the Saturday evening, a named Laura allegedly consumed what seems to be food. We will keep you updated on that one.

Sole employee of the Scandal Press *All rights removed

THE MUCH AWAITED MONDAY ISSUE

Welcome one and all to the much awaited Scandal Press

This week the scandals were somewhat derived and hopefully fully offensive

Firstly, Scotty and I are now going out but a date has not been formally arranged which is a great pity.

Secondly, the Editor-in-Chief has been offered something on the side by one of the many Rachels we seem to know! This is slightly strange but also true!

Thirdly, Laura seems to be enamoured with someone called Percy, this we would love to know fully about, so speculation is expected from everyone! By the way does anyone know anyone called Percy?

Hot off the press, is the fact that a war seems to be going on involving a very strange artillery piece formally known as a party popper. As we understand the battle was furious and Sergeant Shepley suffered many assaults but emerged victorious, Private Thornley was awarded the most headshots medal against someone called Laura.

We have also heard rumours of an apparent incident involving Adriana, Kyle and a coathanger. we know little about this so i shall turn to my operative in bonn to do a little incognito work on our behalf

Anyway,
Goodbye for now and happy posting,
The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief

Drunken fling?!

The Night we wanted to forget!

Typed and subsequently edited by the sole employee of the Scandal Press *All rights removed
The Scandal Press headquarters was viciously rocked last night when it learnt of a scandal so brutal, so destructive and so devastating that it was forced into being black-mailed into publishing this exclusive image, which as such warrants a parents advisory badge. The Senior Chief Editor and I , the sole employee of the Scandal Press were caught off-guard in what can only be described as passionate behaviour. Outsiders have already caused an uproar with their claims of a romantic twist to this shocking story and have even suggested that it may include some sort of triangular affair including a fiery-haired ladies' man, who shall remain nameless.

Hot off the press we would like to damn such evidence and officially give our side of the story, as not to continue with this saga for any longer. We, Richard and I, share a professional and social relationship, which in no way steps beyond that. We are very happy with our current, how do I put this, situations, and feel inclined to assure everyone that it shall never happen again. We do not wish to blame the role of alcohol in this case, but believe it played a key role in the event!

This comes amidst accusations, quite slanderous claims, that we here at the Scandal Press simply enjoy to have a laugh at the expense of others and we are thus gutless in our stories. This, I hope, shall prove such absurd allegations to be completely untrue.

the extra monday issue

dear all and welcome to the extra monday issue whenever we had the ball it was fun. james wore a dress and high heels(in our heads) scotty could have had some action but pulling alex payne would have been a mistake and opted to remain a gentleman! paul danced with many people and i met a random girl from work but i dont know her name! scotty really is gorgeous baby! james didnt wear a red dress aww! james is very happy chris dancedwith him.i got harassed by caz jepps and im currently as hacked as ajack ass!\wooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bigging up the YMCA yet again james s keyboard is fucked up! oh yes and scotty is like the greatest dancer in the WORLD, he made Stiffler and salman look incompetant! Bigginguppancakes

ciao for now darlings

scandal press editor-in-chief

Monday's Issue disappears!

Dear one and all, this is a temporary newsflash to warn or perhaps inform you of the whereabouts of the usual Monday Issue which is the heart of the Scandal Press entreprise. Unfortunately, Mr Chief Editor and I have been unable to meet together to plan and script the up-and-coming edition and therefore we apologise for the delay of this week's scandal publication.

Have no fear as we intend to include a section to represent any ongoings during the leavers' do which takes place on this fine evening. For everyone else, enjoy the sunshine!

Sole employee of the Scandal Press

The Monday Issue

Welcome one and all to the Monday issue.

Typed by the Scandal Chief Editor and edited by the sole employee of the company. All rights officially removed.

Our first piece of scandal for the day is that on Saturday a certain Kathryn did something she's never done before, the fact that she was at James's house does much to elevate the importance of the scandal. Another scandal is that Mr James Clarke went and kissed everyone who went on a piss up on Thursday (and I mean everyone). Also with the installation upon James of a book entitled 'Cats for dummies' we learned that cats need plenty of protein, if you're clever you'll know exactly where James is sourcing his resources! They also require frequent stroking, personal health checks and the tongue should be examined regularly (it's all making sense now!!!)

Also on saturday, it became all too apparent that James and Kat were at their wits end with the presence of the little yet mighty Matthew Clarke throughout the entire "event/show". As of yet, we are currently unsure as to what exactly was going on but we very much intend on sending our 'UNDERCOVER' journalists into the fray. Details of the journalist's discoveries shall be published as soon as any scandalous information is recovered.

In addition, we recently found out and can now exclusively reveal that a certain 15 year-old (in year10) is going out with an unknown 21 year-old, which seems frankly paedophilic and bizarre to us.

G'bye for now

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief

The Monday Issue- on Monday

Dear all
Welcome to the latest issue of the monday issue and due to ongoing errors on my Pc probably the last. i have not much to say but maybe these sentences to specific un-specified people will help you go on with your lives: JUST NO!
Yes O.K.
Ha my first exam is on 14th June
So big a piss up i dont remember even starting it
PRETTY PLEASE
Can i? Really?

Yours till i die and goodbye

The scandal press officer-in-chief

The Monday Issue- on Thursday

Dear Comrades

After the recent spate of biased and mischievous reporting by the scandal press, I have ultimately decided to reveal to you, the honest and hard-working journalists of the scandal press. : Scott Jones

I think congratulations are in order for his recent promotion, I believe it’s about time he did.

On a more scandalous approach the first two posts received record numbers of comments showing that scandal really does matter to you all, thank you. I do want to complain about the ineptness of all members NOT commenting seems a bit of a waste of time inviting you to this blog if you don’t use it!

Also I wish to refute any inconsideration on my behalf against a certain Mstr. P.J.Clarke as he is one excellent person and want to thank him for an excellent meal out. I personally started with Black pudding, then an 8oz. rump steak with chips, carrots, broccoli, half a tomato and an excellent stilton and bacon sauce. For dessert I had Belgium Waffles with ice cream, toffee flakes, and ice cream wafer, and a caramel sauce. It was gorgeous.

Now I am yet to complain about the ineptness of a certain department to ignore what I am saying and also tell lies in my school record. I would have loved to write that the perpetrators are f#~@+=/ b!£$&%*# and should B\_/ r/\/ i/\/ h3//

The Monday Issue

This I believe as my first controversial issue of the Scandal Press. With imminent exams looming it's obvious that tensions will increase. As shown last Thursday, when James and Kat were in the climbing store cupboard for ten minutes with a helmet, a shoe, and a harness! We were completely unsure as to what was going on and can only presume from the complete silence coming from the cupboard that something WAS going on. Also from a well known source of information (A.L. said it and no you don't know her James), the reason why James was not in geography, also on last Thursday, was that he was buying 'huggies' for his girlfriend! THIS I WOULD HAVE LOVED NOT TO SAY BUT TOO MANY PEOPLE INSISTED!!!
Another point, could i have a bit more scandal from everyone else please, James is becoming boring and too predictable in his scandals.

The Monday Issue

Hah, it finally happened, Chris cracked at James. And about bloody time too. In no way do you ever go out with your mates sister. ITS ILLEGAL (unwritten playground rules apply) If james wants to kill me i don't care, in fact bring it on. Here's a thought, did you know that you never hear the bullet that hits you, ever.
In the news, many of us got invited to s strange 16th party where we have to SIGN to drink. As a moral rule i am objecting profusely due to the appearance of two pictures on the invite which should be burned. Also randomly my bro got invited and he don't even know rachel.
Anyway thats all for now, so its happy election day and a merry Ascension.
yours,
The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief