SCANDAL.....er....what?

According to someone I know I apparently had some Scandal so here it goes in our usual drunken manner!

A new incentive by the government to give the new messiah a toy and gadget fund has been passed, the righteous person in question shall be receiving approximately £1000 every three months on the understanding that it shall all be spent on toys and gadgets.

The latest trend in stunt riding has taken off quite sucessfully, commonly known as "ghost riding the whip", this ultimately cool stunt invo tlves sticking your car in neutral, turn your music up to max volume, climb out of your car and ride on the roof. The current record is 7 seconds of sitting on the roof held by someone that Mr. HaRsH rEaLiTy claims to have met in a pub one night. We wholeheartedly believe him, so that is where the challenge stands. Beat this, or perhaps use a deck chair to sit on the roof and the Scandal Press will personally give you the position of our current President (brie).

Now I've forgotten everything i was supposed to say!!!

On the upside however, East Dublin, and Athens, Texas, sponsored their own versions of Redneck Games, with events such as mud-pit belly-flopping, seed-spitting and making armpit music, as well as "red-neck horseshoes" (played with toilet seats), a Spam-and-jalapeno-eating contest, a mattress chuck, men bobbing for raw animal parts in tomato paste, and the ever-popular co-ed butt crack contest. Scotty 'the mongrel' Dog writes: "There was something strangely arresting about watching 10 serious-faced guys grind away at pink bricks of Spam while Steppenwolf's 'Born to Be Wild' boomed from the loudspeakers."

Also, Twelve hundred troops from Poland were deployed to Afghanistan in June as part of a NATO buildup to patrol the Pakistan border, searching for Taliban forces, but Polish commanders admitted that they would not be combat-ready for several weeks because the keys to all their Humvees had been stolen. One commander said spare keys had been ordered. The Scandal Press blames global warming for distracting the polish whilst we stole their keys. If anyone would like a Polish Army branded Humvee, we have 240 of them with mounted 50 caliber machine guns, starting pirice is £3500.

Yours,

as always,

the Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

The Scandal Press - A Global Phenomenon?

To be published under the guise of a belated Monday Issue, the Scandal Press Team would like to completely quell all recent rumours that suggest the whereabouts of the SP headquarters to be located in quite frankly bizarre surroundings somewhere in the North of Wales with neither signal nor contact to the extensive information highway. This is hoped to explain how the SP can be so difficult to trace and be seemingly unaccountable for exposing such extraordinary stories. This circulation of believed truths, it should now be reiterated, should be condemned for such rumours are utter codswallop. We can confirm dear readers of filth and all that is good to the planet of scandal (the biggest and fieriest in the entire universe) that the Scandal Press is indeed a GLOBAL PHENOMENON.

May I take you through a guided tour of the wonderful presence of Scandal Press enterprises across the globe.

1) By day we are an exclusive reporting blogger team of all things scandalous, by NIGHT, however, we are a popular French brothel operating in New York under the clever guise of Le Scandal Press, aiming to seduce our customers into a fit of giggles and mischief. Hailed by the New York Times as "part showgirls, part Broadway Danny Rose", our burlesque house is credited highly by critics of the Village Voice: "The 'Le Scandal' performers entertain, entice, and enrage all the while redefining what is sexy... One wonders why there isn't a year-long waiting list to get a piece of this action."*

2) Raising the roof with its stories of hot gossip and unheard, sometimes highly embarrassing, concealed misdemeanours of those we care to name, the Scandal Press elsewhere has hit a sore point with those in Germany, according to internet sources, claiming that those falsely claiming SP membership have gone too far. The paper trying to follow in our illustrious footsteps, das goldene Blatt, violated a German press code 1&2 last year and was reprimanded for pushing its luck after a series of reported vicious allegations and lies concerning the Norwegian royal family. Here in the UK, we say "gives ya right, stick to what you're best at, and that ain't scandal!"

3) The Scandal Press also extends as far south as Down Under for the SP team are suspected of being the life of the party offshore too, linked with owning a famous 38 ft Chris Craft Commander in Western Australia. "Bambi", as it was christened, " often was featured in the scandal press. Wild parties aboard while on the moorings at Rottnest Island 12 miles of the coast from Perth and its sister port of Fremantle were legendary."** Despite his renowned spirit of partying like a crazed zebra, our Chief Editor has barely any recollection of his property in other parts of the world, but assures us he's a keen fisherman (especially with a bottle of bubbly on board).

So there you have it and I hope you're more miffed now than you were when you first glared at this publication.
And finally, a bug ha loo to you!
The Scandal Press Team
All rights removed*

* Source: lescandal.com/press

** Source: www.chriscraft.com/au/article