SCANDAL-LESS

Yay, Turkey and mayo sandwiches.

it Maketh sense.

if you have not seen a monkey recently please report to your adviser where you will be dealt with shortly

UPDATE

Dear Everyone,

It's back to the drawing board.

I currently have no scandal, but whatever.

I have money so its all good, im still a german student but i'm now in the school of business, lecturers are cool, but freshers (generally male) are a stuck up bunch of peeps.

Peace out homies,

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief.

UPDATE COMPLETE

Back To Business

Dear One, All, and Everyone,

It is now the start of a new academic year and we are now all either going back to university, starting university or going back to college/school. So good luck to all you A-Level Students in the latest yeasr of hell when it comes to exams and please remember to complete your UCAS forms on time, it really is a pain if you don't! (Tribute to Scotty "Stop patronising me!" lol)

to all you plebs, of which i aren't one anymore, good look adjusting to uni life, dont get an overdraft! (it only leads to trouble) and remember alcohol and pro-plus is your friend when used responsibly. i don't condone the use of narcotics (who am i kidding, go get stoned at least once).

i sit here in my newly furnished room having a very boring time, soon to be solved by the arrival of more people in the penthouse. Living on a shoestring with no student loan in sight (oh well, no worries eh?).

Peace out, and have fun in the oncoming year,

looking forward to the arrival of all you budding visitors,

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief.

PEOPLE WHO DONT KNOW HOW TO TAKE A JOKE

Dear One, All, and Everyone,

I write to you just as I have got home from having dinner out (it was quite nice).

You see on arriving home I found out that my laptop had been left on and I hadn't signed out of MSN Messenger. There was two message windows open, one from Nat and another from Nat and Bilam, it turns out they can't take a joke, at all, and who gives a shit about spelling when you're in a rush. But anyway, it speaks of this and that, and then laura gets involved, maybe she should really talk to james about who exactly said what about James and his codename (get your facts right before commenting on them) and then maybe ask James how I responded to him going out with you, if I really had a problem with it would I still talk to him (or you, not that I do much)

I do apologise to bilam for being at the party with a fair few of my mates at an extremely good friend of mines house, talk of socialising and all, funny thing is that I did.

So I finish with a toast to all you people for being the people you really are and how I love you for it!

Yours,

Rick.

p.s. Nat if you find any spelling mistakes in here please do not hesitate to email the corrections to me and I shall see that they are dealt with and republished.

p.p.s. Should anyone happen to want a copy of the previously mentioned conversation I will happily supply them with a copy by email upon request.

p.p.p.s. Who really gives a shit what I write about anyway it's not as though its the number one newsreel for the country, plus there is a freedom of the press and generally it is to pour petrol onto a fire as they say (or make a mountain out of a mole hill if you didn't understand).

The Scandal Press: All Rights Removed And All Secrecy Acts Broken.

the Morning after the night before

Dear one, all, and everyone

We at the Scandal Press as shown in our invisible contracts are required to break every secrecy act possible, so here goes.

Yesterday the delectable SP President, decided that he would offer up his services of a venue for Nats party of no real significance. a shed load of bloody strangers turned up, not counting Bisi, nathan, pete, the king of degradation, and of course the core SP Team. Everyone else was just there for no apparent reason.

Main news: despite having a girlfriend, Mr. Lang got off with some broard (name unknown)
Clarkey decided that after a certain unknown person left he would get off with the fridge instead deciding it was her (we'll let you lot decide why and what possible derogatory terms could be brought up)

Anyhoo, after all the random unknowns left, peace finally reigned.

Morning after, cleaning commenced again, despite nats non presence (thanks)
bacon was served and bottles removed by the acclaimed king of degradation.

thanks to the following for cleaning up and helping overall: Rick, Pete, Charlie, and Nathan. Scotty is very thankful for your help in the clean up of what ever shit them randoms brought in!

Yours,

in advance of complaints,

The Scandal Press Team

VOICES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

Dear One, All and Everyone,

We at the Scandal Press are always taking it from the top, mainly cause its hot, fresh and generally unspoiled (until we massacre it)

In the words of a random person "A lie can run around the world until the truth has got its boots on", so in a spirit of camaraderie we have handed the truth the keys to our new bugatti veyron and given the lies a 14 second head start (enough to get the car up to 186mph).

Any-meh-hoo, here goes, during a short sojourn to Leeds for his evident 19th birthday (not that anyone knew about it and all) he seems now to be going out with one L.Hodgson (this is straight from the horses mouth so no hate mail please, even though I do love to receive it and forward it to anyone).

Our inside man, Paul Shepley, was on scene but made no comment, mainly cause we negated to solicit him for one, but oh well.

So, minions, friends, neighbours and countrymen, not to forget the Romans among us, spread the word however you see fit, be it by email, snail mail, or by writing words in the sky using a bi-plane.

One final note, mainly in Mr/patient/gorilla features (delete where applicable) Clarke's interest I have negated to email this to a certain Miss. R.Thomas.

HERE IS YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BEND UNTO MY WILL, MR/PATIENT/GORILLA FEATURES (DELETE WHERE APPLICABLE) CLARKE, YOU HAVE UNTIL TOMORROW AT APPROXIAMATELY 10AM (11AM FOR ALL YOU WONDERFUL GERMAN RESIDENTS) TO INFORM HER OF THIS NEWS...OR I SHALL PROCEED PERSONALLY WITH THE HONOURABLE DEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye for now,

From The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief, President and all our wonderful reporters across the globe

P.S. SHOULD I NOT BE AROUND AFTER TOMORROW I DO HEREBY SIGN ALL MY DEEDS OVER TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE SCANDAL PRESS AND ONE "HARSH REALITY" TO DEAL WITH THEM AS THEY SEE FIT.

FOUND - EMERY'S CLONE?

News just into the SP headquarters: a young man with an inane and infective grin was spotted recently on billboards nationwide in the land of the Deutsche in what has claimed to be a promotion of a social day this coming Thursday. Although the cheeky-faced youngster failed to provide us with any explanation, we here at the Scandal Press believe him to be the long lost brother of our beloved blonde haired climber, Emery, but reports are yet to be confirmed. One suspects, in the age of high-tech scientific engineering, that Emery was experimented on and bore an identical clone who ran away, perhaps in search of a kick-ass beer by the name of Kölsch. One thing is for sure, the match is uncanny but we await the response from the man himself in the near future, perhaps to tell us whether he too will be acting all environmentally friendly by planting a tree for the occasion.

President of the SP

Eussi Yadnom

Welcome back readers, to another exhaustively prepared and documented Monday Issue. The weeks have taken to flight and many are missing and scandal sparse. I should not complain I'm sure I will be able to rustle something up.

I’m about to start a gruelling exam week and most of you have finished, despite it being unlikely it will get marked. The plans for a summer of partying are underway and with the return of the Scandal Group, I’m sure a trip to the Pub will be needed. Unfortunately under Mr. Josephs’ strict instructions I am forbidden to go. According to his, room-filling, voice during our free/study* periods and exam leave it would be mighty unwise to present one-self at the Pub directly opposite the school/college you attend (*bollocks). Unfortunately the same location a current Yr 13 met his doom with a long nose, black jeans, battered shoes, breaking belt wearing, and Edinburgh University student from the South. My whispered response to his ludicrous speech was, “What am I supposed to do? I live next door to that pub. Where does he expect me to go?” (Despite the alcohol being pumped up from the drains and into a pint glass, it is also conveniently the cheapest Pub in Bolton.) The simple bypass to this random act of intolerances by the school is to remove ones school tie and when approached deny recognition of the accusing teacher and demand her/him to stop bothering you. The Occupational Health and Safety Act 2000 states that the workplace should have an alcohol and drugs policy, I’ll have to find out what the school employees’ one is and if those maths staff trips at lunchtime are in breech of it.

On a less scandalous note I went for the first time climbing out doors in the Northwest. The last time in Briton I climbed outside was 5 years ago with scouts in the Northeast. Anyway I met up with Clarke and Emery at Brownstones then went on to Wilton. He last time we three were in a car it nearly resulted in it being split in two by a concrete separation on a motorway, luckily nothing like that happened this time.

Yours With Luck

Harsh Reality

MY 19TH BIRTHDAY PARTY

PLEASE VISIT

WWW.RICKS19TH.BLOGSPOT.COM

THANKYOU

The Animal Like Monday Issue

After the much anticipated Goth themed party at Scott's, the Scandal Office is left shocked and curious. The wild and blurry pictures of the Scandal photographer reveal a horrifying experience that, to some, will need to be followed up with a visit to their Psychiatrist. Many minor events happened and much drink consumed.

The night began with arriving to find Scott, Rick, James C, Charlie, Paul, James H, Laura and Andy all in the darkest clothes they own. Then to my horror watching James don some eyeliner and Charlie with eyeliner, and a truly horrifying black wig. Charlie proceeded up stairs and, with the help of Laura, applied some black lipstick. Black eyeliner, hair and lipstick? The pictures reveal either a very wild woman or an equally wild man. Later in the night, Scott got a hold of the lipstick, but with less hideous effects. One thing for sure is that man-Goths must be very good make-up artists.

The next episode was the "Where's the Tequila Series". In which Rick proceeded to steal James' Tequila numerous times forcing him to interrogate those who crossed his path. Practically in hysterics he was given vague clues to the whereabouts of the delicious spirit. After the five episodes of Tequila, all of which were recorded, it was conveniently time to drink the tequila. The rest of the Party is just a bit blurry, but, no doubt, those less affected by drink will be able to fill in the blanks.

Unfortunately the Scandal Reporter had to in the office early on Saturday so was forced into walking home at 12:30. This proved to be an unusual experience as I was escorted by Andy, Rick and Scott to the Golf Course. However on the way there they all insisted upon speaking German very loudly all the way through the Estate and, as I was told, for half an hour after I had disappeared form view.

Yours

Harsh Reality

!! EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA !!

New and exclusive to the latest released SPTV (work it out!!!)

the scandal press is offerring you an all time once in a lifetime opportunity to relive that epic night at the fantastic abode of scottys.

newly launched SPTV as seen on wildly spaced boring myspace sites (yes you heard you boring myspace underlings) has official videos of the spiffing part-AY.

Motion Pictures on tonight:How Tequila Mockingbird

Starring P-to-the-shizzle-J.Clarke, an exasperated fool seeking new life with new hair hooked on tequila

Also starring the much bemused klepto-tequila-maniac RICK!

a Marnland Studios Production

Brought to you in partnership with Sexy Pete Films

coming soon to a pc screen near your face

Available now on wide-ass screen (so wide really fat people never get in the way)

(please post a comment if you would like to reserve a copy from my own editor the head honcho of Sexy Pete Films)

SCANDAL

thought i'd make this a bit difficult

i

n

th' end

The Monday Issue Shout Out

Thanks for commenting loyal scandal spotters, every comment can help the posting of the next issue.

In response to the worlds most annoying person award, I reinforce my claims that the icing on the cake is complete and Ali has won for the remainder of his life time (which depending upon my sanity may or may not be very shortly). I am sure the person described gnawed at your skull, but I seem to have turned my hearing to the frequency of his voice and now cannot ignore his grasps of annoyance. Conformation of his ceaseless nature to talk came form our mathematics teacher, who revealed that the class Ali is in for maths is so far behind our group solely because of the talking. I doubt anyone you may have met would have had such a detrimental effect on your learning and education. If I can help it, this travesty will end over the easter break with few tears shed over him.

About the lecturers, I'd just like to say how digusted I am to find that they choose to go on strike as if it is expected of them. Why don't teachers ever go on strike just for the hell of it? Why not work on the principle that the longer you work in one place the higher your pay gets? Why does this b*s*a*d government tell us that education is important then let their employees just walk out when they find that thera's money flying around? If they're on strike why should poeple give them more money for wasting this extra money? I DO DECLARE THAT STUDENTS SHOULD GO ON STRIKE AND DEMAND LOWER TUITION!!! It's the only way forward.and it's a great idea, the first step to chaos. The spliting of the generations and government. Violence rules!!

Yours Harshly

Harsh Reality

Much Thrilled Monday Issue

I'd rather not comment about my absence, but the shock of having to restart college beat me into a small box called laziness. It's a pleasure to be writing again despite I fear few comments. The weeks have been fairly uneventful and with the Olympics over there is yet nothing great to watch on TV. The whole of year 12 piled into coaches off to the Gmex in Manchester (a big exhibition centre) for a kick in the backside to consider university options and courses. For those who knew many, if any of the school governers, one Honorary Governer Judge Michael Lever died not but two weeks ago only two days after his second wifes' funeral on Malta. I merely can connect with him through the fact that my Grandparents lived next door to him and both his first and second wife for many years.

I would like to see if you can find a more annoying person than one Ali Altaf. In one very boring and uneventful Physics lesson a few of us decided to engage in the first of it's kind "Ali Tally". A tally of things that this person does to annoy us and how many times he is capable of doing them. The range of tallies incuded: times he laughed for no reason, times he agreed upon something he had no idea about, times spoke in a stupid voice and times he repeated what he just said of something some-one else said. One of the boxes was times he asked a question, and this is just staggering. In 70 minutes he managed a whopping 84 questions, that is 72 questios an hour or 1.2 a minute. this person is a machine of annoyance, it was a god send today what he was not in the lesson. Using our tally he manages 291 annoying things every 70 minutes, even our physics teacher makes jokes about his annoying Irish nature. Oh, did I not mention it he is Irish too, so manages five words a second i.e. speaks really fast. One thing to say to him: "AAAARRRGGGHHH!"

(More detailed analysis at spaces.msn.com/sexypete89/ )

In other news I just like to say that the prices Xcape Leeds Adventure Outdoor Centre are ridiculously scandalous. They manage to blag climbers into paying by the half an hour or hour, I am glad there are sane centres for normal people where you only pay for that day and you can climb for all day if you wish. (Manchester Climbing Centre rocks!!)

I do not know if Kyle's 18th has been and gone yet, but on behalf of the Scandal Press Office and all employees I would like to wish him Happy Birthday and a smiley face.

Yours Sincerely

Harsh Reality

The Hassle Free Monday Issue

(Hopefully)

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the lack of a Monday Issue last week. This was due to an unforseen internet connection problem and college blocking the blogger site, therefore stopping me from posting this using their computers. The office did manage to get working by Wednesday afternoon, but by that time there was little point to posting a mid-week Issue. And, so, therefore, I am sorry for the delay.

As you may recall we were criticising Mr. Brooker and to add to the long list of things that he does wrongis this. From the beginning of the year he has been inviting boys six at a time into his study for lunch. I was invited to one of these little gatherings to enjoy the highest quality cuisine that our catering staff can provide. He wasted his time with pointless questions, which he thought useful, about education and the way the sixth form was working. Also he made attempts at beckoning us to his band of followers with big ideas such as sixth form centre. Really he should be working with the little kids who he can get on to his side with ease. One thing to say to him "Back off Brooker", Also there was a little demonstration out side school, last week, about the big plans that were to go ahead and revamp the whole of the school grounds and move the junior school to the main building. I have no idea why people were protesting the move will only improve the local community, but then there's always someone who has to complain.

As you will all know the Winter Olympics are well underway. I am spending this half term pretty much watching them from morning (if it is still morning when I wake up) to night. Just today I have found a new favourite sport to watch, Ice-Hockey. It's is far more technical to watch than football, and faster, and less muddy than rugby, and twice the violence. It can't be matched in team sports and I think you should all agree, but that's your choice.

Enjoy the holiday, those who can

Harsh Reality

One Monday Later Issue

The weeks just seem to fly by and yet again I am forging together some scandal, but not enough to sink a ship. What first shocked me was the pityful attempt at an assembly Brooker came up with today (yes it is Tuesday and I am late). His assembly consisted of him trying to make excuses for a e-mail he recieved; saying, in short, that the end of term Christmas assembly lacked the traditional values of previous years. Brooker came up with some silly excuse that because of his observations of these previous years he had come to the conclusion that we no longer should be required to sing, as we fail to do so or are rubbish at singing and don't know the words properly. It is clear that you should all draw conclusions from this that Brooker fails to understand the true value of the schools traditional techniques.

Which brings me on to my next point. Unfortunately the parent/old boy/student/person, which ever they were, interpreted this action on the 16th December as an over the top attempt of pollitical correctness and so avoiding the issue, of the values of the ancient academy we were, or are part of. However, Brooker in all his holliness came up with a smart reply to that type of e-mail and then went on to tell us about how impossible it would be to be entirely pollitically correct all of the time. (I.e. it is actually Pol. Incor. to be called Headmaster as this implies Head of the Masters and not Head of the Masters and Mistresses). His next example was not so well thought through, he went on to say how a manhole can not be Pol. Cor. and should also be called a womanhole, which was too much for the perverted thoughts of a 12-16 year old child and they proceeded to erupt in laughter.

Thus this proves that Brooker is incompetent at being a Master at a established private school, he is out of touch with the youth of today and he feels it neccessary to defend everything said against his perfect reign.

It is unfortunate that one session of Brooker can provide all the scandalous actions of the week with ease. One might say too much ease.

On further news I'm loving my first job and it pays very well, even though I have to get up earlier for work than school. I figure I'll leave it another few weeks before I use and abuse the employee discount for climbing equipment.

See you soon and hope to be drinking with you again

Harsh Reality

The Outrageous Monday Issue

The week goes by and yet more scandalous behavior of the Scandal Team reaches various levels. This week has proven to be quite fruitful in it's attempt to be as random and eventful as possible.

It has fallen upon the office that one certain Editor-in-Cheif has purchased himself a nice new mobile telephone. Despite limited supplies of cash, most of the many undergraduates have taken it upon themselves to use their loan as a form of free money. I expect it feels very much like an endless supply of cash, but some will have to wait another few months/years before the chance to find out what it is like.

Also, personally thinking that the thought of purchasing a house would be a daughting act, we have heard of up to two of our party considering buying a house, or possessing one, for the second year. Mr. Clarke has informed me of his scandalous plans for the inhabitation of a friends mates' house that will become uninhabitated. Also Mr. Editor-in-Cheif has revealed his thoughts on buying a house with a few of his Aberdeen cellmates. How any of them will manage this great feat is behond the thinking of the Scandal Office. Whether they have accounted for all the costs, or not, will prove exhausting.

Speaking of semi-illegal acts, I have discovered the power of completely free album/music downloads. Despite being somewhat slow and probably dangerously corrupting my PC, it works and now I will be proudly accessing as many albums as my clicking finger will allow (all while I download The White Stripes: Elephant)

Peace Out

Harsh Reality

The Hard Working Monday Issue

Welcome back to the Monday Issue! This week is sure to be filled with the random ramblings of the Scandal Press office (i.e. Harsh Reality). Over the past weeks the office has been practically a ghost town. The wind whistles through an open window, and the flip flap of a loose sheet of paper sounds in the back ground as it sails towards the worn carpet. The office is however pleased to report that it is glad to see the commenting room has been busy, despite the post was, as always, sacrificed for a debate about tinned products (PEACHES damn it, peaches!).

You may be pondering over my choice of title, there is a very good reason behind my option. This week I entered into the "World of Work", in the real sense of the phrase. First it began after Mr. Clarke informed me of the job offer at Campcraft in Bolton. Later that week I applied and, after the shortest interview I would ever have, the manager offered me a trial day last Saturday. So, now I have a Job and earn £30.25 a week. Lovely. PLus it's a job which I will actually enjoy as now I can get super cheap climbing gear, GREAT!

My oh my, how to end this weeks issue? I know, what about another debate? Right, what is the best hot drink? Coffee? Tea? Cuppa soup?

Until next Week

Harsh Reality

The Knowledgeable Monday Issue

This week's been a big blow to most, returning semi drunk from the holidays. The tumbling wall of exams came with a sudden hit. But, however my exams are over and it's time to party. And I pray everyday that Channel four reveal that the BB house it truly a mass incinerator and burns those useless "celebrities" to a fine crisp. As some comedian once put it, "Your sat in you house watching other people sat in their house." Yet somehow intelligent life goes on. To the Scandal (a less intelligent medium of literacy)...

It is to my deaf ears that I hear that a certain party was to be due for the 31st January, here in Bolton and that our dear ickle Jonah was to host it. Anyhow the scandalous part , apart from some rattled together excuse for not having it, is that rumour reaches my ears that the party was cancelled because our ickle Jonah realised that no-one could fit in his pint-sized doll flat. But buying the alcohol prove profoundly fun.

Adrianas' defence for her American counter-parts is somewhat sustained as we did meet some lateral thinking American climbers while in Joshua Tree. However I must bring to light one man who, while watching us pack at the Laguna Beach RV park for our journey to JTree, said, " Well you guys have got a big camping thing goin'-on." Wether he was trying to make conversation or felt like he was inclined to say something will remain a mystery to this day. Or he was stating the plain and obvious truth and/or had to think aloud. The total number of silly american things said or done rose to a high of five, to the three lateral thinkers (classed weirdos in america). But we don't mind them really, because without the Americans who would we make fun of? the irish? they would respond with more violence. Whereas the americans take it all in their stride and take their anger out on a weak country which tastes of oil.

Simpsons is on soon so I'll have to leave you. Until next week...

Monday Issue Milestone Met

HAPPY NEW YEAR Scandal Team! Those involved deserve a well earned pat on the back partly for your persistance and partly for your loyalty. KEEP COMMENTING :-)

Because of my absence I unfortunately failed to pick up much scandal so the best I can do is to tell the amusing presents I managed to posess and what happened in sunny California.

Last year I managed to become upon a box containing eight blocks of chalk for climbing. As every climber knows the best chalk comes in a finely meshed bag called a chalk ball, unfortunately my grandma interperated the christmas list differently and now I am laidened with loose chalk that is too big to fit in my chalk bag. A self-induced present. The rest of my loot incuded an automatic card shuffler, two head torches, too many clothes that I'd actually care for and this magnetic sudoku so that I can do puzzles where ever I am. Ofcourse I'd never trade these presents for anything else as I expect everyone-else would.

On to New Year's Eve, the "Climbing Twelve" celebrated New Year on a minor hillock overlooking our camp, listening to other people celebrating the different time zones through every hour (the UK one having been at 4:00pm LA time) until at 00:00 LA time we popped the corks of our Californian Champagne and drank copiously. My first New Year away from England. And yes we did drink Alcohol despite the fact that both those drinking and Dave (who bought it) would be arrested if caught. Probably the most fun New Year I've ever had and would recomend.

Scandal Lives

Harsh Reality