SCANDAL.....er....what?

According to someone I know I apparently had some Scandal so here it goes in our usual drunken manner!

A new incentive by the government to give the new messiah a toy and gadget fund has been passed, the righteous person in question shall be receiving approximately £1000 every three months on the understanding that it shall all be spent on toys and gadgets.

The latest trend in stunt riding has taken off quite sucessfully, commonly known as "ghost riding the whip", this ultimately cool stunt invo tlves sticking your car in neutral, turn your music up to max volume, climb out of your car and ride on the roof. The current record is 7 seconds of sitting on the roof held by someone that Mr. HaRsH rEaLiTy claims to have met in a pub one night. We wholeheartedly believe him, so that is where the challenge stands. Beat this, or perhaps use a deck chair to sit on the roof and the Scandal Press will personally give you the position of our current President (brie).

Now I've forgotten everything i was supposed to say!!!

On the upside however, East Dublin, and Athens, Texas, sponsored their own versions of Redneck Games, with events such as mud-pit belly-flopping, seed-spitting and making armpit music, as well as "red-neck horseshoes" (played with toilet seats), a Spam-and-jalapeno-eating contest, a mattress chuck, men bobbing for raw animal parts in tomato paste, and the ever-popular co-ed butt crack contest. Scotty 'the mongrel' Dog writes: "There was something strangely arresting about watching 10 serious-faced guys grind away at pink bricks of Spam while Steppenwolf's 'Born to Be Wild' boomed from the loudspeakers."

Also, Twelve hundred troops from Poland were deployed to Afghanistan in June as part of a NATO buildup to patrol the Pakistan border, searching for Taliban forces, but Polish commanders admitted that they would not be combat-ready for several weeks because the keys to all their Humvees had been stolen. One commander said spare keys had been ordered. The Scandal Press blames global warming for distracting the polish whilst we stole their keys. If anyone would like a Polish Army branded Humvee, we have 240 of them with mounted 50 caliber machine guns, starting pirice is £3500.

Yours,

as always,

the Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

The Scandal Press - A Global Phenomenon?

To be published under the guise of a belated Monday Issue, the Scandal Press Team would like to completely quell all recent rumours that suggest the whereabouts of the SP headquarters to be located in quite frankly bizarre surroundings somewhere in the North of Wales with neither signal nor contact to the extensive information highway. This is hoped to explain how the SP can be so difficult to trace and be seemingly unaccountable for exposing such extraordinary stories. This circulation of believed truths, it should now be reiterated, should be condemned for such rumours are utter codswallop. We can confirm dear readers of filth and all that is good to the planet of scandal (the biggest and fieriest in the entire universe) that the Scandal Press is indeed a GLOBAL PHENOMENON.

May I take you through a guided tour of the wonderful presence of Scandal Press enterprises across the globe.

1) By day we are an exclusive reporting blogger team of all things scandalous, by NIGHT, however, we are a popular French brothel operating in New York under the clever guise of Le Scandal Press, aiming to seduce our customers into a fit of giggles and mischief. Hailed by the New York Times as "part showgirls, part Broadway Danny Rose", our burlesque house is credited highly by critics of the Village Voice: "The 'Le Scandal' performers entertain, entice, and enrage all the while redefining what is sexy... One wonders why there isn't a year-long waiting list to get a piece of this action."*

2) Raising the roof with its stories of hot gossip and unheard, sometimes highly embarrassing, concealed misdemeanours of those we care to name, the Scandal Press elsewhere has hit a sore point with those in Germany, according to internet sources, claiming that those falsely claiming SP membership have gone too far. The paper trying to follow in our illustrious footsteps, das goldene Blatt, violated a German press code 1&2 last year and was reprimanded for pushing its luck after a series of reported vicious allegations and lies concerning the Norwegian royal family. Here in the UK, we say "gives ya right, stick to what you're best at, and that ain't scandal!"

3) The Scandal Press also extends as far south as Down Under for the SP team are suspected of being the life of the party offshore too, linked with owning a famous 38 ft Chris Craft Commander in Western Australia. "Bambi", as it was christened, " often was featured in the scandal press. Wild parties aboard while on the moorings at Rottnest Island 12 miles of the coast from Perth and its sister port of Fremantle were legendary."** Despite his renowned spirit of partying like a crazed zebra, our Chief Editor has barely any recollection of his property in other parts of the world, but assures us he's a keen fisherman (especially with a bottle of bubbly on board).

So there you have it and I hope you're more miffed now than you were when you first glared at this publication.
And finally, a bug ha loo to you!
The Scandal Press Team
All rights removed*

* Source: lescandal.com/press

** Source: www.chriscraft.com/au/article

The Monday Issue - Have you seen these peeps?

Returning recently with not quite a loud bang but with more good vibrations, the Scandal Press is back in action and somehow caught in the middle of cases for missing persons and even felines! It is with somewhat an obligation that I call for your assistance in retrieving them as soon as theoretically possible.

The feline concerned, the lovely Kat, was suspected of being lost up a tree somewhere but reports have confirmed she's somewhere climbing rock faces in that country formerly known as Gaul. We hope she manages to get down alright and hope she's having a ripping great time.

On an alarming note, however, we have yet to discover the whereabouts of a tall, handsome fellow last seen on Saturday evening before embarking on a fiendishly fun night out in Manchester. With intentions of going to the rainbow capital of Europe beforehand, the Lancastrian, who answers to the name of PAB, was seen with university comrades on the said evening with highlights in his hair and a beaming smile smirked across his face. Amid furious attempts to connect to his other drunken realm on our own arrival, the Senior Chief and our long blond-haired underling failed to locate him. Nonetheless, we drunk to his 20 year birthday and his health and assumed he'd be safely tucked up in bed upon our arrival home at 4.30 in the a.m.

With all of his blinds firmly shut and the barricades down, snipers poised at the ready*, we could not alert him to his door the following afternoon and he has not been seen by any of the SP team since. We hope he has made a full recovery from his drunken adventures

On a lighter, brighter note, a Mr PJ Duncan Clarke has been found and returned wrapped in a huge bag containing German beer. We suspect he'd been hiding out drinking the good stuff before he ran out and desperately sought more supplies from our blond-haired but lovable Emoery. Reports are yet to be confirmed but onlookers are delighted to see the gentleman again in all his glory. (Note, not in the way you may be thinking, I might add)

!
Over and out, and a bug ha loo to you all

President of the Scandal Press Enterprises

*Information may not be exactly true, all rights removed

EXTRA EXTRA: News just in about a trading standards breach outside Piccadilly Station, a certain unnamed takeout attempts to charge £3.50 for a burger, peas and chips, on the price board outside it claims to be £2.50, on seeing this the she-hag owner feins blindness and refuses to believe it but the kind guy inside argues and we win for a resounding £2.50 and a free hat of inebriation from H&M (don't ask us it was merely a souvenir and i read the label in it)

Also, a loud mouthed, tyldeslarian was heard on the bus home needing a piss, turned round and claimed that the other travellers were "a boring lot", at which point a certain Senior Editor-in-Chief said, in stage whisper style, "why don't you piss yourself then, it'll give us all a good laugh", unfortunately not heard by the Tyldeslarian who was too inebriated to know she was sat behind a toilet, we can only presume she made an arse of herself in front of all her friends.

Lost, Found and Caught Up

Hello All,

This shall be the first post of many months, reason being I was lost by the Scandal Press Team, later found, after much searching, down the back of the sofa, along with mouldy crisps and £1.20.

There has been little Scandal at all so we shall carry on as usual.

I don't know if anyone heard but Mr.Emery suffers also from Tree-walking-invisible-dog-in-road Syndrome and has totalled his Micra, the result of which means he has to be taxi-ed everywhere.

Unfortunately we at the Scandal Press believe that he has also been away sailing the seven seas and has come back with stories so blown up with nonsense that we must congratulate Mr.Emery on having forced government itself to build a bullshit bell all for him, this bell is a highly decorated piece and is commonly known as Big Ben. Such is the gravity of Mr.Emery's bullshitting that it must toll on the hour every hour just to make sure they catch him out.

Also in the mill, Mr.C has disappeared and has been replaced by a clone, constantly calling people "Dickhead" and the "c" word. Such language has never been heard until now and we at the Scandal Press are outraged! As such, a "What Has Happened To Mr.Clarke" Charity has been set up to fund a trip to find the real one. We believe he is in a basement somewhere but are non-plussed as how to get there.

Non-Scandal Related Incidents: We wish Mr.Shepley much fun in Japan, and knw he shall be able to drink them all under their tables. Also should a hostage release fund be required we shall have the money by next August.

All the best and Boo-Haloo to you,

The Scandal Press Team.

LOST

Red Haired Galoon Crashes Cat into Tree After Avoiding Dog In Road, Elf Remains Adamant At Uninvolvedness In Release Of Such News

We at the Scandal Press recently came upon t'news that a certain rouge 'aired fopdoodle, did see un chien in t'road and did swerve away and crash a certain jaguar estate (reconstituted mondeo) of a gold colour in t' newly named family tree. We at the Scandal Press, that is me an' t'elf did see this coming along as well as our foreign reporter the currently unbeknown Harsh Reality. "Ha", say we, (in literally translated terms), "gives yer right, shouldn't have been driving so fast in an automobile you never could quite control". The Scandal Press are in complete hysterics over the fact that the said gelogenic jackanapes is now restricted to drive a much smaller, more feminine-appearing, orange car, owned by his elder sister.

Reet, onwards, noo that everyone 'as finished with bein' ahoight an' all, t'is time for the old Scandal Press Standby, (roughly transcripted as: whatever we say goes, despite it being complete bunkum).

So, here goes,

Drumroll please!

Yesterday an arriva bus crashed into the Bolton Crown Court building injuring 4 people, sparking rumours that our red 'aired coxcomb had summat to do with the navigation of this here bus and the police are looking into a definite connection between both incidents.

We have heard news of a pool hustler who goes by the persona Paul Shepley, he has a newfound gift of being a mascot for the game itself, should anyone mutter his name whilst attempting a near impossible shot shall be rewarded with great, otherwise inexplicable, fortune.

thats all folks,

feel free to comment,

The Scandal Press Team

p.s. there is a homunculus fellow in our team that has recently been refered to as an elf, he complains most exhuberantly that he is not an elf but a dwarf, he also claims to conquer all, but seeing as i'm a satrap this will never be possible!