Wanted: Kylie Southerlandian-Cashier

The Scandal Press has recently learnt of how a warrant has been issued by the UK Anti-Immigration, Anti-Terrorist, Anti-Aliens Bureau of Outlandish Investigation and Extremely Silly Long Titled Offices, rumoured to be based in Stoke-Under-t-Trent over the head of a very dangerous individual.

He/She or It goes by the name (or petcall) of one Kylie Southerlandian -(Happy to help)-Cashier whose last known location was suspected of being in a flat place identified as Cambridge (on the Shire) or perhaps in a gondola, whistling at bemused Italian folk passing by, whilst drinking copious amounts of highly caffeinated cups of coffee.

Suspected to have been heavily drugged with excessive if somewhat highly hazardous levels of beaver tranquilizers, he has not been seen since his accomplice and criminal mastermind in the guise of one Sophiana-della-me-didna-do-it dragged him into a nearby faraway field of sparrows. This information was retrieved by a upstanding member of the public, whose name we can exclusively reveal to not yet know, but we have our suspicions. That it was a Mr Squire Sheep-Fill-My-World-Right-Up-ly (right up, they do).

Please, please, please help us in our search for this mysterious human-like creature and if you do, Clarkey will be happy to drug him again with a known spirit called Tequila, just to make sure we have this livewire under our control again, for the safety of the nation, ladies and gentle dears.

P.S. Near this very exact same location, there has been an inexplicable outbreak of worried farmers claiming their sheep have been tampered with during the night and have had their delicious woolly hinds molested by this crude customer. We have absolutely no evidence on this but we shall report it as fact, just as the one Mr Dimwitted Thornley likes to do in all his interviews.

The Scandal Press Team*
*All Rights Removed

ScandalPress Spreads its wings

Dear one and all,

I bring you joyous news that now i have finally discovered video editing the Scandal Press is spreading to streaming video via UTube (you has been removed for illegal reasons). Some folk may remember the party at our esteemable Presidents residence in Bridge of the Ladies (makes it sound more affluent doesn't it?). At this party was a poly-logue (?) on candid camera of the aptly named Tequila episodes or Tequila Mockingbird, this was reported on in a previous Scandal Press (edition ep123fd), now it has come to the worlds attentions through the media of video. The clip, named Tequila Mockingbird, is viewable on that thing online, er whatsit-ma-jig. It is a beta version due to the fact that our media departement does not yet have all the clips to create a full episode quite yet, this will be soon to follow as and when our President releases the Tequila Dossier of all the clips.

Also we send out our condolences to Miss A.Ferrari, who recently had her tonsils out and is currently in a vegetative state in her new flat in Bonn on medication that includes Codeine, a drug she believes to be illegal in Germany. She had a dellusional rant at me on on earlymorning/late night perusal of MSN Messenger about male pregnancy and asked our Senior Editor-in-Chief to consider doing so. Sadly he declined but said he would do his part in making more people pregnant.

Yours,

For now at least,

Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

p.s. thankyou to all our aberdeen subscribers, I much enjoy our rants in the street

I should really be doing my dissertation

Hello to one and all,

I bet you didn't expect a post from me, i know i've been quiet of late but i intend to put that right.

First of all "Salut" to Jonah who is off in the land of the frog eating, garlic loving "surrender monkeys."

Apart from Jonah who is MIA, what's everyone else upto this easter?? i'm in Leeds for a bit of it but i'll also be in Bolton which should give some opportunity for atleast a few quiet pints down the Lion or a nice pint anywhere else.

Oh and this being the scandal press i guess i better tell you all some scandal, well did anyone hear the catholic churches new 7 deadly sins?
Number 1 was "one should not gather excessive wealth" coming from one of the wealthiest organisations in the world that's just a tad hypocritical.
Also that it's wrong to do damage to the environment, but they still are anti-contreception which is causing massive damage in the 3rd world with excessive population growth.
All this coming from a Pope who used to be a member of the Hitler Youth and a keen Nazi.
Insane or what??

Anyway, i need to go write a few thousand words before tomorrow so i'll be off.

See you all soon.

James