Wanted: Kylie Southerlandian-Cashier

The Scandal Press has recently learnt of how a warrant has been issued by the UK Anti-Immigration, Anti-Terrorist, Anti-Aliens Bureau of Outlandish Investigation and Extremely Silly Long Titled Offices, rumoured to be based in Stoke-Under-t-Trent over the head of a very dangerous individual.

He/She or It goes by the name (or petcall) of one Kylie Southerlandian -(Happy to help)-Cashier whose last known location was suspected of being in a flat place identified as Cambridge (on the Shire) or perhaps in a gondola, whistling at bemused Italian folk passing by, whilst drinking copious amounts of highly caffeinated cups of coffee.

Suspected to have been heavily drugged with excessive if somewhat highly hazardous levels of beaver tranquilizers, he has not been seen since his accomplice and criminal mastermind in the guise of one Sophiana-della-me-didna-do-it dragged him into a nearby faraway field of sparrows. This information was retrieved by a upstanding member of the public, whose name we can exclusively reveal to not yet know, but we have our suspicions. That it was a Mr Squire Sheep-Fill-My-World-Right-Up-ly (right up, they do).

Please, please, please help us in our search for this mysterious human-like creature and if you do, Clarkey will be happy to drug him again with a known spirit called Tequila, just to make sure we have this livewire under our control again, for the safety of the nation, ladies and gentle dears.

P.S. Near this very exact same location, there has been an inexplicable outbreak of worried farmers claiming their sheep have been tampered with during the night and have had their delicious woolly hinds molested by this crude customer. We have absolutely no evidence on this but we shall report it as fact, just as the one Mr Dimwitted Thornley likes to do in all his interviews.

The Scandal Press Team*
*All Rights Removed