Lost, Found and Caught Up

Hello All,

This shall be the first post of many months, reason being I was lost by the Scandal Press Team, later found, after much searching, down the back of the sofa, along with mouldy crisps and £1.20.

There has been little Scandal at all so we shall carry on as usual.

I don't know if anyone heard but Mr.Emery suffers also from Tree-walking-invisible-dog-in-road Syndrome and has totalled his Micra, the result of which means he has to be taxi-ed everywhere.

Unfortunately we at the Scandal Press believe that he has also been away sailing the seven seas and has come back with stories so blown up with nonsense that we must congratulate Mr.Emery on having forced government itself to build a bullshit bell all for him, this bell is a highly decorated piece and is commonly known as Big Ben. Such is the gravity of Mr.Emery's bullshitting that it must toll on the hour every hour just to make sure they catch him out.

Also in the mill, Mr.C has disappeared and has been replaced by a clone, constantly calling people "Dickhead" and the "c" word. Such language has never been heard until now and we at the Scandal Press are outraged! As such, a "What Has Happened To Mr.Clarke" Charity has been set up to fund a trip to find the real one. We believe he is in a basement somewhere but are non-plussed as how to get there.

Non-Scandal Related Incidents: We wish Mr.Shepley much fun in Japan, and knw he shall be able to drink them all under their tables. Also should a hostage release fund be required we shall have the money by next August.

All the best and Boo-Haloo to you,

The Scandal Press Team.

LOST

Red Haired Galoon Crashes Cat into Tree After Avoiding Dog In Road, Elf Remains Adamant At Uninvolvedness In Release Of Such News

We at the Scandal Press recently came upon t'news that a certain rouge 'aired fopdoodle, did see un chien in t'road and did swerve away and crash a certain jaguar estate (reconstituted mondeo) of a gold colour in t' newly named family tree. We at the Scandal Press, that is me an' t'elf did see this coming along as well as our foreign reporter the currently unbeknown Harsh Reality. "Ha", say we, (in literally translated terms), "gives yer right, shouldn't have been driving so fast in an automobile you never could quite control". The Scandal Press are in complete hysterics over the fact that the said gelogenic jackanapes is now restricted to drive a much smaller, more feminine-appearing, orange car, owned by his elder sister.

Reet, onwards, noo that everyone 'as finished with bein' ahoight an' all, t'is time for the old Scandal Press Standby, (roughly transcripted as: whatever we say goes, despite it being complete bunkum).

So, here goes,

Drumroll please!

Yesterday an arriva bus crashed into the Bolton Crown Court building injuring 4 people, sparking rumours that our red 'aired coxcomb had summat to do with the navigation of this here bus and the police are looking into a definite connection between both incidents.

We have heard news of a pool hustler who goes by the persona Paul Shepley, he has a newfound gift of being a mascot for the game itself, should anyone mutter his name whilst attempting a near impossible shot shall be rewarded with great, otherwise inexplicable, fortune.

thats all folks,

feel free to comment,

The Scandal Press Team

p.s. there is a homunculus fellow in our team that has recently been refered to as an elf, he complains most exhuberantly that he is not an elf but a dwarf, he also claims to conquer all, but seeing as i'm a satrap this will never be possible!