VOICES FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

Dear One, All and Everyone,

We at the Scandal Press are always taking it from the top, mainly cause its hot, fresh and generally unspoiled (until we massacre it)

In the words of a random person "A lie can run around the world until the truth has got its boots on", so in a spirit of camaraderie we have handed the truth the keys to our new bugatti veyron and given the lies a 14 second head start (enough to get the car up to 186mph).

Any-meh-hoo, here goes, during a short sojourn to Leeds for his evident 19th birthday (not that anyone knew about it and all) he seems now to be going out with one L.Hodgson (this is straight from the horses mouth so no hate mail please, even though I do love to receive it and forward it to anyone).

Our inside man, Paul Shepley, was on scene but made no comment, mainly cause we negated to solicit him for one, but oh well.

So, minions, friends, neighbours and countrymen, not to forget the Romans among us, spread the word however you see fit, be it by email, snail mail, or by writing words in the sky using a bi-plane.

One final note, mainly in Mr/patient/gorilla features (delete where applicable) Clarke's interest I have negated to email this to a certain Miss. R.Thomas.

HERE IS YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BEND UNTO MY WILL, MR/PATIENT/GORILLA FEATURES (DELETE WHERE APPLICABLE) CLARKE, YOU HAVE UNTIL TOMORROW AT APPROXIAMATELY 10AM (11AM FOR ALL YOU WONDERFUL GERMAN RESIDENTS) TO INFORM HER OF THIS NEWS...OR I SHALL PROCEED PERSONALLY WITH THE HONOURABLE DEED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bye for now,

From The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief, President and all our wonderful reporters across the globe

P.S. SHOULD I NOT BE AROUND AFTER TOMORROW I DO HEREBY SIGN ALL MY DEEDS OVER TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE SCANDAL PRESS AND ONE "HARSH REALITY" TO DEAL WITH THEM AS THEY SEE FIT.

FOUND - EMERY'S CLONE?

News just into the SP headquarters: a young man with an inane and infective grin was spotted recently on billboards nationwide in the land of the Deutsche in what has claimed to be a promotion of a social day this coming Thursday. Although the cheeky-faced youngster failed to provide us with any explanation, we here at the Scandal Press believe him to be the long lost brother of our beloved blonde haired climber, Emery, but reports are yet to be confirmed. One suspects, in the age of high-tech scientific engineering, that Emery was experimented on and bore an identical clone who ran away, perhaps in search of a kick-ass beer by the name of Kölsch. One thing is for sure, the match is uncanny but we await the response from the man himself in the near future, perhaps to tell us whether he too will be acting all environmentally friendly by planting a tree for the occasion.

President of the SP

Eussi Yadnom

Welcome back readers, to another exhaustively prepared and documented Monday Issue. The weeks have taken to flight and many are missing and scandal sparse. I should not complain I'm sure I will be able to rustle something up.

I’m about to start a gruelling exam week and most of you have finished, despite it being unlikely it will get marked. The plans for a summer of partying are underway and with the return of the Scandal Group, I’m sure a trip to the Pub will be needed. Unfortunately under Mr. Josephs’ strict instructions I am forbidden to go. According to his, room-filling, voice during our free/study* periods and exam leave it would be mighty unwise to present one-self at the Pub directly opposite the school/college you attend (*bollocks). Unfortunately the same location a current Yr 13 met his doom with a long nose, black jeans, battered shoes, breaking belt wearing, and Edinburgh University student from the South. My whispered response to his ludicrous speech was, “What am I supposed to do? I live next door to that pub. Where does he expect me to go?” (Despite the alcohol being pumped up from the drains and into a pint glass, it is also conveniently the cheapest Pub in Bolton.) The simple bypass to this random act of intolerances by the school is to remove ones school tie and when approached deny recognition of the accusing teacher and demand her/him to stop bothering you. The Occupational Health and Safety Act 2000 states that the workplace should have an alcohol and drugs policy, I’ll have to find out what the school employees’ one is and if those maths staff trips at lunchtime are in breech of it.

On a less scandalous note I went for the first time climbing out doors in the Northwest. The last time in Briton I climbed outside was 5 years ago with scouts in the Northeast. Anyway I met up with Clarke and Emery at Brownstones then went on to Wilton. He last time we three were in a car it nearly resulted in it being split in two by a concrete separation on a motorway, luckily nothing like that happened this time.

Yours With Luck

Harsh Reality