The Monday Issue - Have you seen these peeps?

Returning recently with not quite a loud bang but with more good vibrations, the Scandal Press is back in action and somehow caught in the middle of cases for missing persons and even felines! It is with somewhat an obligation that I call for your assistance in retrieving them as soon as theoretically possible.

The feline concerned, the lovely Kat, was suspected of being lost up a tree somewhere but reports have confirmed she's somewhere climbing rock faces in that country formerly known as Gaul. We hope she manages to get down alright and hope she's having a ripping great time.

On an alarming note, however, we have yet to discover the whereabouts of a tall, handsome fellow last seen on Saturday evening before embarking on a fiendishly fun night out in Manchester. With intentions of going to the rainbow capital of Europe beforehand, the Lancastrian, who answers to the name of PAB, was seen with university comrades on the said evening with highlights in his hair and a beaming smile smirked across his face. Amid furious attempts to connect to his other drunken realm on our own arrival, the Senior Chief and our long blond-haired underling failed to locate him. Nonetheless, we drunk to his 20 year birthday and his health and assumed he'd be safely tucked up in bed upon our arrival home at 4.30 in the a.m.

With all of his blinds firmly shut and the barricades down, snipers poised at the ready*, we could not alert him to his door the following afternoon and he has not been seen by any of the SP team since. We hope he has made a full recovery from his drunken adventures

On a lighter, brighter note, a Mr PJ Duncan Clarke has been found and returned wrapped in a huge bag containing German beer. We suspect he'd been hiding out drinking the good stuff before he ran out and desperately sought more supplies from our blond-haired but lovable Emoery. Reports are yet to be confirmed but onlookers are delighted to see the gentleman again in all his glory. (Note, not in the way you may be thinking, I might add)

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Over and out, and a bug ha loo to you all

President of the Scandal Press Enterprises

*Information may not be exactly true, all rights removed

EXTRA EXTRA: News just in about a trading standards breach outside Piccadilly Station, a certain unnamed takeout attempts to charge £3.50 for a burger, peas and chips, on the price board outside it claims to be £2.50, on seeing this the she-hag owner feins blindness and refuses to believe it but the kind guy inside argues and we win for a resounding £2.50 and a free hat of inebriation from H&M (don't ask us it was merely a souvenir and i read the label in it)

Also, a loud mouthed, tyldeslarian was heard on the bus home needing a piss, turned round and claimed that the other travellers were "a boring lot", at which point a certain Senior Editor-in-Chief said, in stage whisper style, "why don't you piss yourself then, it'll give us all a good laugh", unfortunately not heard by the Tyldeslarian who was too inebriated to know she was sat behind a toilet, we can only presume she made an arse of herself in front of all her friends.