Dear one and all,

the monkey witness protection agency is now in operation, applications can be made in absentia with the power of attourney being given to the person who sponsors a person for the funniest reason.

Details for the protection scheme are not available in your nearest bookstore

Info to be included in applications: Name
Monkey I.D.
Complaint
Reason for Incarceration
Preferred Relocation

Yours,

Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief and Monkey Relocator-Extraordinaire

Coming Soon

Are You Coming To Cambridge?

Well? Are You?

If you are, good for you! You join the millions of other cretins who go there annually, merely to aggravate and annoy the locals and bewilder the student populus.

Hopefully you have recieved all the shots required to travel to cambridge by now and are preparing to pack, now remember you don't need that heavy duty body armour for this one, just the lightweight stab-proof will do.

A few rules to adhere to whilst on your stay:

1. Talk to strangers as though you understand everything and then share a graphically intimate secret with them.

2. Say "Hello" to a complete stranger in a way that unequivocally makes them believe they know you, then start a conversation with them regarding past shenanigans in a generic kind of way

3. Aggravate a local by asking where the university is whilst stood next to a sign for it

4. Acquire a shoe from a stranger of the opposite sex to you, using any means necessary (there must be a qualified northern witness in the vicinity)

New Scandal same as the Old Scandal

Dear one and all,

More precisely,

Dear Everyone who reads this,

It is once again that the Scandal Editorial Team return to the writing board to look baffled and make any old crap up.

Firstly, it has been confirmed that Adriana is one of the new faces of Cadburys chocolate, as the spelling queen of the liverpudlian world she was tipped as the best girl for the job. As a celebration, Adriana herself got married and invited noone to the event, as such we shun the relationship immediately. She also chose to send the Senior Editor-in-Chief oysters and Guinness all the way from Ireland, we have a feeling that the marriage is on the rocks.

Secondly, the Senior Editor-in-Chief is yet again to be seen in a kilt and drinking tea. Also Ambulating both shires with trips planned to the arse and elbow (cambridge and glasgow), we foresee a trail of unrecorded carnage in the wake of our Chiefs arrival.

Now remember, corn flakes were accidentally created after Mr. Kellogg wanted a preventative for masturbation. Also, when a sperm is wasted god gets quite irate.

Yours,

In the preamble,

The Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

HAPPY

BIRTHDAY

MR.

EL

PREZIDENTE

The wheels on the bus go round and round...

...all day long!

Greetings to all my weird and wonderful friends!

Here's what I propose for the obligatory Scottish trip for New Year's, namely a trip to Aberdeen but if folk get lost in Glasgow, we'll send out a search party and find you in a crowd of millions, the only one eating a nice salad.
So, I propose we travel there, if cars and lifts are unavailable, by the magic that is magicbus. I have looked at the costs and they are very much ideal for the poor student, even one that parties every night like some I know.
Going out on 29th December 2008 for at the moment £15 for a 7 hour direct trip of fun to Aberdeen, returning for a fiver on 9th January 2009 for a 7 hour trip back to Manchester Piccadilly (coach station) very hungover. People are welcome to stay over at mine and we can all get to the coach station a lot more easily on the day of travel. That equates to 24 smackers for a trip to the Arctic Circle.

Who's in?
Which dates would suit other people better?

I shall book soon and I think the price is a steal, despite the long traveling time.
Prez of the SP*

*All rights removed

Spoons an' a Fiddle

Hello and once again it’s back to the press,

Not that anyone apart from the Senior Editor-in-Chief, the Prez Scotty “small but mighty” “the Dog” Jones, and our Foreign Executive Producer Ms. Ferrari read this anyway.

The Senior Editor-in-Chief has sent a press release confirming positive action to be taken on a new year’s invasion of a place known only as Aberdeen. The reason being there has been untold revelry and shenanigans heard of during this passing of jahren and a reconnaissance team of about twelve people should be sent to investigate as there are fears that the season passing may be insipid, which in his mind would be unconceivable.

Also in the news; it has become, just now, common knowledge, that our Foreign Executive Producer likes girls with long ginger hair. Do not ask why, we don’t know, but equally along with all news produced here we don’t care, we do however reserve the right to hunt down and contact this good looking red head to ask exactly how she pulls it off. The reason being Mr. P-to-the-J “Duncan” “light up the sky” Clarke (yes, we got there eventually), doesn’t seem a decent enough example of someone with ginger hair, and I’m sure all those folk at the Ginger Separatist Movement (“Better Red Than Dead”) will agree that calling people dickh**d and wishing death upon people is a sign of his inner struggle with his abjuration that he is, in fact, ginger.

News just in: Harsh Reality, our undercover agent, is in the hullsian gulf, doing some clandestine recon missions for us on the wrong side of the Pennines. In the 15 year plan it is hoped that eventually they can be converted and the white rose shunned and unappreciated globally.

Yours truly,

In hope of some replies,

The Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

p.s. I want you, I shall seek and find you, I shall take you to bed and have my way with you, I will make you ache, shake, sweat and groan, I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop, I will exhaust you to the point you will be relieved when I’m finished with you and you will be weak for days. All my love, THE FLU

Aftermath and Update

Dear One, All, and Everyone,

As most of you (probably just one or two) may be aware, the Scandal Press is trying a revamp, as such the team has been out and about socialising, causing chaos and breaking hearts.

The Prez and I shall start about a month ago, the outbreak of fleas had just happened and the source was undeniably the Senior Editor-in-Chief, propagated by, of course, His Royal Highness, Prez of the Scandal Press. Soon to suffer was everyone, most of all the delectable Kathryn who tried to update the fleas to AIDS status, which luckily didn't work. The Spoon-Who-Went-To-Newark pointed tastelessly out that we should spread Kathryn's AIDS around the world, much to our amusement. We were highly amused, as you can tell. Look this was our amused face.

<<<<<:-)))))))

After this prestigious occasion, the Scandal Press Team held its first trial social event encompassing an afternoon of ten-pin bowling. The team; comprised of HRH Prez of Scandal Press, our Foreign Reporter, Harsh Reality, and the Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief.

The afternoon was enjoyed by all, we believe (we don't know, we just believe it).

The Spoon-Who-Went-To-Newark, commonly known as Chris, has been reportedly found patrolling around New York City painting pigeons purple. We at the Scandal Press do not condone this action but are aware that it is fun and possibly hilarious. His next move is reported to be towards Vas Legas, where we believe he shall be wed to someone known only as Sarah, this joyous occasion has been dubbed the non-celebrity wedding of the year and all shall be in attendance, apart from The Spoons sister, the lovely Kathryn, who has gone into a strop because she is not the brides maid. The position being filled by one drama queen, who possibly owns a caravan in Flookburgh.

Our Foreign Executive Reporter has been found guilty and sent down (to the shops) without trial for feigning revision for a psycho's exam in Cambridge, across the pond. The person in question, last seen and photographed with a golden halo above her head, denied the allegations of not studying and blasted out at the examination procedure at Harvard.

"Like, I mean...oh come on," she bawled,"I mean come on, are you being serious, loser? Jerk, you know what.....whatever (Trevor)"

What we have all either suspected with great glee or feared throughout the ages has, our lovely, learnéd, and genuinely fangastric Scandal Press Fans, come true. Our under-caravan-cover correspondent, Harsh Reality, made an alarming discovery that Mr. PAB is a long time lover of and subscriber to Cosmopolitan Magazine Publications or Orgy and Fashion Monthly, as its more commonly known. A Mr. Jeeves Butler of Troutbeck Drive (located off the M6, next to a park bench and disused tent) tried to palm the blame off onto a Mr. PJ Duncan Clarke.

"Stop taking photos in my Tin Tent Box," ranted the accused, "it ain't mine, i swear guv'nor."

However, our Harsh Reality assures you that this is swimply the twipical and biswarre behav'yer of "a damn gyppo on holiday, self-catered."

Most recently, of course, was the early celebration of Mr. James "my hair doesn't light up the earth, honest" Clarke's 12th birthday. the event was held in the ultimately prestigious Smithills Coaching House, where Mr. Clarke works as a pot wash and general bitch to all. The event saw the Scandal Press deploy their latest weapon, the beer-proof, smash-proof camera. With Mr. Prez taking most, if not all the photos, the event was much enjoyed and the photos prove how drunk we might have been, or not in the case of a few. Mr. Clarke's smaller short arse of a brother showed us all up by downing his pint faster than any of us seemingly not-seasoned drinkers.

That's All Folks,

I love you all, especially you,

The Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief*

*including also Harsh Reality and Mr. Prez S. "small but mighty" Jones

WANTED

FOR CRIMES

AGAINST

HUMANITY

DEAD OR ALIVE

REWARD: FREE

BEATING

OF THE

CULPRIT

FLEAS!

THAT IS ALL

THANK YOU

Clarkey is Getting Old - Apparently!

Dear One and All,

No doubt you have all recieved is email about the upcoming (in three months) party, apparently the red haired sun on the horizon as promised embarrassment and dancing on tables, not to mention an open bar!!!

The Scandal Press Journalism team shall be there incognito as party guests filming all the shenanigans that they can! With their new droppable drownable camera you will not want to miss the footage, which will be published here, there, and everywhere so the world knows of the fun!

News Update: The Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief has used all the profits from last year to pay for his month long summer holiday to France, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, and Italy.

Yours,

For Ever,

The Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

Wanted: Kylie Southerlandian-Cashier

The Scandal Press has recently learnt of how a warrant has been issued by the UK Anti-Immigration, Anti-Terrorist, Anti-Aliens Bureau of Outlandish Investigation and Extremely Silly Long Titled Offices, rumoured to be based in Stoke-Under-t-Trent over the head of a very dangerous individual.

He/She or It goes by the name (or petcall) of one Kylie Southerlandian -(Happy to help)-Cashier whose last known location was suspected of being in a flat place identified as Cambridge (on the Shire) or perhaps in a gondola, whistling at bemused Italian folk passing by, whilst drinking copious amounts of highly caffeinated cups of coffee.

Suspected to have been heavily drugged with excessive if somewhat highly hazardous levels of beaver tranquilizers, he has not been seen since his accomplice and criminal mastermind in the guise of one Sophiana-della-me-didna-do-it dragged him into a nearby faraway field of sparrows. This information was retrieved by a upstanding member of the public, whose name we can exclusively reveal to not yet know, but we have our suspicions. That it was a Mr Squire Sheep-Fill-My-World-Right-Up-ly (right up, they do).

Please, please, please help us in our search for this mysterious human-like creature and if you do, Clarkey will be happy to drug him again with a known spirit called Tequila, just to make sure we have this livewire under our control again, for the safety of the nation, ladies and gentle dears.

P.S. Near this very exact same location, there has been an inexplicable outbreak of worried farmers claiming their sheep have been tampered with during the night and have had their delicious woolly hinds molested by this crude customer. We have absolutely no evidence on this but we shall report it as fact, just as the one Mr Dimwitted Thornley likes to do in all his interviews.

The Scandal Press Team*
*All Rights Removed

ScandalPress Spreads its wings

Dear one and all,

I bring you joyous news that now i have finally discovered video editing the Scandal Press is spreading to streaming video via UTube (you has been removed for illegal reasons). Some folk may remember the party at our esteemable Presidents residence in Bridge of the Ladies (makes it sound more affluent doesn't it?). At this party was a poly-logue (?) on candid camera of the aptly named Tequila episodes or Tequila Mockingbird, this was reported on in a previous Scandal Press (edition ep123fd), now it has come to the worlds attentions through the media of video. The clip, named Tequila Mockingbird, is viewable on that thing online, er whatsit-ma-jig. It is a beta version due to the fact that our media departement does not yet have all the clips to create a full episode quite yet, this will be soon to follow as and when our President releases the Tequila Dossier of all the clips.

Also we send out our condolences to Miss A.Ferrari, who recently had her tonsils out and is currently in a vegetative state in her new flat in Bonn on medication that includes Codeine, a drug she believes to be illegal in Germany. She had a dellusional rant at me on on earlymorning/late night perusal of MSN Messenger about male pregnancy and asked our Senior Editor-in-Chief to consider doing so. Sadly he declined but said he would do his part in making more people pregnant.

Yours,

For now at least,

Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

p.s. thankyou to all our aberdeen subscribers, I much enjoy our rants in the street

I should really be doing my dissertation

Hello to one and all,

I bet you didn't expect a post from me, i know i've been quiet of late but i intend to put that right.

First of all "Salut" to Jonah who is off in the land of the frog eating, garlic loving "surrender monkeys."

Apart from Jonah who is MIA, what's everyone else upto this easter?? i'm in Leeds for a bit of it but i'll also be in Bolton which should give some opportunity for atleast a few quiet pints down the Lion or a nice pint anywhere else.

Oh and this being the scandal press i guess i better tell you all some scandal, well did anyone hear the catholic churches new 7 deadly sins?
Number 1 was "one should not gather excessive wealth" coming from one of the wealthiest organisations in the world that's just a tad hypocritical.
Also that it's wrong to do damage to the environment, but they still are anti-contreception which is causing massive damage in the 3rd world with excessive population growth.
All this coming from a Pope who used to be a member of the Hitler Youth and a keen Nazi.
Insane or what??

Anyway, i need to go write a few thousand words before tomorrow so i'll be off.

See you all soon.

James

SCANDAL.....er....what?

According to someone I know I apparently had some Scandal so here it goes in our usual drunken manner!

A new incentive by the government to give the new messiah a toy and gadget fund has been passed, the righteous person in question shall be receiving approximately £1000 every three months on the understanding that it shall all be spent on toys and gadgets.

The latest trend in stunt riding has taken off quite sucessfully, commonly known as "ghost riding the whip", this ultimately cool stunt invo tlves sticking your car in neutral, turn your music up to max volume, climb out of your car and ride on the roof. The current record is 7 seconds of sitting on the roof held by someone that Mr. HaRsH rEaLiTy claims to have met in a pub one night. We wholeheartedly believe him, so that is where the challenge stands. Beat this, or perhaps use a deck chair to sit on the roof and the Scandal Press will personally give you the position of our current President (brie).

Now I've forgotten everything i was supposed to say!!!

On the upside however, East Dublin, and Athens, Texas, sponsored their own versions of Redneck Games, with events such as mud-pit belly-flopping, seed-spitting and making armpit music, as well as "red-neck horseshoes" (played with toilet seats), a Spam-and-jalapeno-eating contest, a mattress chuck, men bobbing for raw animal parts in tomato paste, and the ever-popular co-ed butt crack contest. Scotty 'the mongrel' Dog writes: "There was something strangely arresting about watching 10 serious-faced guys grind away at pink bricks of Spam while Steppenwolf's 'Born to Be Wild' boomed from the loudspeakers."

Also, Twelve hundred troops from Poland were deployed to Afghanistan in June as part of a NATO buildup to patrol the Pakistan border, searching for Taliban forces, but Polish commanders admitted that they would not be combat-ready for several weeks because the keys to all their Humvees had been stolen. One commander said spare keys had been ordered. The Scandal Press blames global warming for distracting the polish whilst we stole their keys. If anyone would like a Polish Army branded Humvee, we have 240 of them with mounted 50 caliber machine guns, starting pirice is £3500.

Yours,

as always,

the Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief

The Scandal Press - A Global Phenomenon?

To be published under the guise of a belated Monday Issue, the Scandal Press Team would like to completely quell all recent rumours that suggest the whereabouts of the SP headquarters to be located in quite frankly bizarre surroundings somewhere in the North of Wales with neither signal nor contact to the extensive information highway. This is hoped to explain how the SP can be so difficult to trace and be seemingly unaccountable for exposing such extraordinary stories. This circulation of believed truths, it should now be reiterated, should be condemned for such rumours are utter codswallop. We can confirm dear readers of filth and all that is good to the planet of scandal (the biggest and fieriest in the entire universe) that the Scandal Press is indeed a GLOBAL PHENOMENON.

May I take you through a guided tour of the wonderful presence of Scandal Press enterprises across the globe.

1) By day we are an exclusive reporting blogger team of all things scandalous, by NIGHT, however, we are a popular French brothel operating in New York under the clever guise of Le Scandal Press, aiming to seduce our customers into a fit of giggles and mischief. Hailed by the New York Times as "part showgirls, part Broadway Danny Rose", our burlesque house is credited highly by critics of the Village Voice: "The 'Le Scandal' performers entertain, entice, and enrage all the while redefining what is sexy... One wonders why there isn't a year-long waiting list to get a piece of this action."*

2) Raising the roof with its stories of hot gossip and unheard, sometimes highly embarrassing, concealed misdemeanours of those we care to name, the Scandal Press elsewhere has hit a sore point with those in Germany, according to internet sources, claiming that those falsely claiming SP membership have gone too far. The paper trying to follow in our illustrious footsteps, das goldene Blatt, violated a German press code 1&2 last year and was reprimanded for pushing its luck after a series of reported vicious allegations and lies concerning the Norwegian royal family. Here in the UK, we say "gives ya right, stick to what you're best at, and that ain't scandal!"

3) The Scandal Press also extends as far south as Down Under for the SP team are suspected of being the life of the party offshore too, linked with owning a famous 38 ft Chris Craft Commander in Western Australia. "Bambi", as it was christened, " often was featured in the scandal press. Wild parties aboard while on the moorings at Rottnest Island 12 miles of the coast from Perth and its sister port of Fremantle were legendary."** Despite his renowned spirit of partying like a crazed zebra, our Chief Editor has barely any recollection of his property in other parts of the world, but assures us he's a keen fisherman (especially with a bottle of bubbly on board).

So there you have it and I hope you're more miffed now than you were when you first glared at this publication.
And finally, a bug ha loo to you!
The Scandal Press Team
All rights removed*

* Source: lescandal.com/press

** Source: www.chriscraft.com/au/article

The Monday Issue - Have you seen these peeps?

Returning recently with not quite a loud bang but with more good vibrations, the Scandal Press is back in action and somehow caught in the middle of cases for missing persons and even felines! It is with somewhat an obligation that I call for your assistance in retrieving them as soon as theoretically possible.

The feline concerned, the lovely Kat, was suspected of being lost up a tree somewhere but reports have confirmed she's somewhere climbing rock faces in that country formerly known as Gaul. We hope she manages to get down alright and hope she's having a ripping great time.

On an alarming note, however, we have yet to discover the whereabouts of a tall, handsome fellow last seen on Saturday evening before embarking on a fiendishly fun night out in Manchester. With intentions of going to the rainbow capital of Europe beforehand, the Lancastrian, who answers to the name of PAB, was seen with university comrades on the said evening with highlights in his hair and a beaming smile smirked across his face. Amid furious attempts to connect to his other drunken realm on our own arrival, the Senior Chief and our long blond-haired underling failed to locate him. Nonetheless, we drunk to his 20 year birthday and his health and assumed he'd be safely tucked up in bed upon our arrival home at 4.30 in the a.m.

With all of his blinds firmly shut and the barricades down, snipers poised at the ready*, we could not alert him to his door the following afternoon and he has not been seen by any of the SP team since. We hope he has made a full recovery from his drunken adventures

On a lighter, brighter note, a Mr PJ Duncan Clarke has been found and returned wrapped in a huge bag containing German beer. We suspect he'd been hiding out drinking the good stuff before he ran out and desperately sought more supplies from our blond-haired but lovable Emoery. Reports are yet to be confirmed but onlookers are delighted to see the gentleman again in all his glory. (Note, not in the way you may be thinking, I might add)

!
Over and out, and a bug ha loo to you all

President of the Scandal Press Enterprises

*Information may not be exactly true, all rights removed

EXTRA EXTRA: News just in about a trading standards breach outside Piccadilly Station, a certain unnamed takeout attempts to charge £3.50 for a burger, peas and chips, on the price board outside it claims to be £2.50, on seeing this the she-hag owner feins blindness and refuses to believe it but the kind guy inside argues and we win for a resounding £2.50 and a free hat of inebriation from H&M (don't ask us it was merely a souvenir and i read the label in it)

Also, a loud mouthed, tyldeslarian was heard on the bus home needing a piss, turned round and claimed that the other travellers were "a boring lot", at which point a certain Senior Editor-in-Chief said, in stage whisper style, "why don't you piss yourself then, it'll give us all a good laugh", unfortunately not heard by the Tyldeslarian who was too inebriated to know she was sat behind a toilet, we can only presume she made an arse of herself in front of all her friends.

Lost, Found and Caught Up

Hello All,

This shall be the first post of many months, reason being I was lost by the Scandal Press Team, later found, after much searching, down the back of the sofa, along with mouldy crisps and £1.20.

There has been little Scandal at all so we shall carry on as usual.

I don't know if anyone heard but Mr.Emery suffers also from Tree-walking-invisible-dog-in-road Syndrome and has totalled his Micra, the result of which means he has to be taxi-ed everywhere.

Unfortunately we at the Scandal Press believe that he has also been away sailing the seven seas and has come back with stories so blown up with nonsense that we must congratulate Mr.Emery on having forced government itself to build a bullshit bell all for him, this bell is a highly decorated piece and is commonly known as Big Ben. Such is the gravity of Mr.Emery's bullshitting that it must toll on the hour every hour just to make sure they catch him out.

Also in the mill, Mr.C has disappeared and has been replaced by a clone, constantly calling people "Dickhead" and the "c" word. Such language has never been heard until now and we at the Scandal Press are outraged! As such, a "What Has Happened To Mr.Clarke" Charity has been set up to fund a trip to find the real one. We believe he is in a basement somewhere but are non-plussed as how to get there.

Non-Scandal Related Incidents: We wish Mr.Shepley much fun in Japan, and knw he shall be able to drink them all under their tables. Also should a hostage release fund be required we shall have the money by next August.

All the best and Boo-Haloo to you,

The Scandal Press Team.

LOST

Red Haired Galoon Crashes Cat into Tree After Avoiding Dog In Road, Elf Remains Adamant At Uninvolvedness In Release Of Such News

We at the Scandal Press recently came upon t'news that a certain rouge 'aired fopdoodle, did see un chien in t'road and did swerve away and crash a certain jaguar estate (reconstituted mondeo) of a gold colour in t' newly named family tree. We at the Scandal Press, that is me an' t'elf did see this coming along as well as our foreign reporter the currently unbeknown Harsh Reality. "Ha", say we, (in literally translated terms), "gives yer right, shouldn't have been driving so fast in an automobile you never could quite control". The Scandal Press are in complete hysterics over the fact that the said gelogenic jackanapes is now restricted to drive a much smaller, more feminine-appearing, orange car, owned by his elder sister.

Reet, onwards, noo that everyone 'as finished with bein' ahoight an' all, t'is time for the old Scandal Press Standby, (roughly transcripted as: whatever we say goes, despite it being complete bunkum).

So, here goes,

Drumroll please!

Yesterday an arriva bus crashed into the Bolton Crown Court building injuring 4 people, sparking rumours that our red 'aired coxcomb had summat to do with the navigation of this here bus and the police are looking into a definite connection between both incidents.

We have heard news of a pool hustler who goes by the persona Paul Shepley, he has a newfound gift of being a mascot for the game itself, should anyone mutter his name whilst attempting a near impossible shot shall be rewarded with great, otherwise inexplicable, fortune.

thats all folks,

feel free to comment,

The Scandal Press Team

p.s. there is a homunculus fellow in our team that has recently been refered to as an elf, he complains most exhuberantly that he is not an elf but a dwarf, he also claims to conquer all, but seeing as i'm a satrap this will never be possible!

SCANDAL-LESS

Yay, Turkey and mayo sandwiches.

it Maketh sense.

if you have not seen a monkey recently please report to your adviser where you will be dealt with shortly