Dear one and all,

the monkey witness protection agency is now in operation, applications can be made in absentia with the power of attourney being given to the person who sponsors a person for the funniest reason.

Details for the protection scheme are not available in your nearest bookstore

Info to be included in applications: Name
Monkey I.D.
Complaint
Reason for Incarceration
Preferred Relocation

Yours,

Scandal Press Editor-in-Chief and Monkey Relocator-Extraordinaire

Coming Soon

Are You Coming To Cambridge?

Well? Are You?

If you are, good for you! You join the millions of other cretins who go there annually, merely to aggravate and annoy the locals and bewilder the student populus.

Hopefully you have recieved all the shots required to travel to cambridge by now and are preparing to pack, now remember you don't need that heavy duty body armour for this one, just the lightweight stab-proof will do.

A few rules to adhere to whilst on your stay:

1. Talk to strangers as though you understand everything and then share a graphically intimate secret with them.

2. Say "Hello" to a complete stranger in a way that unequivocally makes them believe they know you, then start a conversation with them regarding past shenanigans in a generic kind of way

3. Aggravate a local by asking where the university is whilst stood next to a sign for it

4. Acquire a shoe from a stranger of the opposite sex to you, using any means necessary (there must be a qualified northern witness in the vicinity)

New Scandal same as the Old Scandal

Dear one and all,

More precisely,

Dear Everyone who reads this,

It is once again that the Scandal Editorial Team return to the writing board to look baffled and make any old crap up.

Firstly, it has been confirmed that Adriana is one of the new faces of Cadburys chocolate, as the spelling queen of the liverpudlian world she was tipped as the best girl for the job. As a celebration, Adriana herself got married and invited noone to the event, as such we shun the relationship immediately. She also chose to send the Senior Editor-in-Chief oysters and Guinness all the way from Ireland, we have a feeling that the marriage is on the rocks.

Secondly, the Senior Editor-in-Chief is yet again to be seen in a kilt and drinking tea. Also Ambulating both shires with trips planned to the arse and elbow (cambridge and glasgow), we foresee a trail of unrecorded carnage in the wake of our Chiefs arrival.

Now remember, corn flakes were accidentally created after Mr. Kellogg wanted a preventative for masturbation. Also, when a sperm is wasted god gets quite irate.

Yours,

In the preamble,

The Scandal Press Senior Editor-in-Chief